Roller Coaster Life
I love roller coasters. Ask C or A & H about how I will charge onto a ride at Six Flags with the kind of smile and expectancy that is usually reserved for children.
What I like most about roller coasters is that horribly frightening drop: or more accurately, the precise moment when the drop ends and your stomach is both flipping out and sighing with relief. In that moment, the body releases some chemicals (is it adrenaline?) that make me feel good. It has always been interesting to me that some people (C and A, among others) hate that exact feeling.
But this post is about those things as a metaphor.
My life is like a roller coaster. Maybe it is because of bipolar, maybe not. But I've had some incredible highs and lows in my life. When I look around me, I tend to think my highs are higher and my lows are lower. But it is hard to know what other people are feeling.
The thing is, I don't mind it. I might even say that usually, I like my life this way. C, on the other hand, does everything in his power to keep things even: to escape the roller coaster.
Lately, I've been bouncing in and out of emotions very much like I'm riding the Scream Machine. Some days I am happy that I have a new job. Some days I am scared to death. Some days I'm okay with C's decision to stay here; some days I want to strangle him. I think it might be because this is so huge: so much out of my own control that I have to deal with it in little chunks. I'm not sure. I only know that this is one of those coasters that makes my neck hurt: that the quick slinging is not producing much other than aches and stiffness.
I'm beginning to wonder what kind of permanent damage is happening.
But I'm unwilling too to get off or to stuff all this emotion into a box and seal it up. So C called me Jekyll and Hyde last night. Maybe he's right.
On the other hand, life without the coaster? No way.
What I like most about roller coasters is that horribly frightening drop: or more accurately, the precise moment when the drop ends and your stomach is both flipping out and sighing with relief. In that moment, the body releases some chemicals (is it adrenaline?) that make me feel good. It has always been interesting to me that some people (C and A, among others) hate that exact feeling.
But this post is about those things as a metaphor.
My life is like a roller coaster. Maybe it is because of bipolar, maybe not. But I've had some incredible highs and lows in my life. When I look around me, I tend to think my highs are higher and my lows are lower. But it is hard to know what other people are feeling.
The thing is, I don't mind it. I might even say that usually, I like my life this way. C, on the other hand, does everything in his power to keep things even: to escape the roller coaster.
Lately, I've been bouncing in and out of emotions very much like I'm riding the Scream Machine. Some days I am happy that I have a new job. Some days I am scared to death. Some days I'm okay with C's decision to stay here; some days I want to strangle him. I think it might be because this is so huge: so much out of my own control that I have to deal with it in little chunks. I'm not sure. I only know that this is one of those coasters that makes my neck hurt: that the quick slinging is not producing much other than aches and stiffness.
I'm beginning to wonder what kind of permanent damage is happening.
But I'm unwilling too to get off or to stuff all this emotion into a box and seal it up. So C called me Jekyll and Hyde last night. Maybe he's right.
On the other hand, life without the coaster? No way.
posted by perrykat at
9:35 AM
2 Comments:
I've noticed that my roller coaster gets more pronounced when A is away. The highs are a bit ecstatic, kid-like, but are rare. Sometimes a few days in a row, other times weeks without. The lows can run 2-3 weeks long, though I have good coping habits.
With A around it is much smoother, and averages a lot higher. Kind of like a string of 7-8s, peaking to 9s. I hit 10s occasionally alone, but amongst strings of 4s, and 2s aren't unheard of.
Enough 4s make me sick of the roller coaster, which is where I am now. I remember thinking it could be fun, at least during the first few months. Right now I'd be happy to settle in a town of 300 people with A and live there the rest of my life, rocking on the front porch.
Speaking of roller coasters we need to go to bush gardens. I heard they have great rides there. I went when I was younger and don't remember much. Anyway, I think great moments come from roller coasters. At your lowest point you have something to reflect back on and your highest high you try to savor every moment. By saying that you wouldn't have any substance if you didn't have that roller coaster.
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