Thinking of God (part two)
...I'll get to Jebbo's comments later. First I want to finish the post...
Okay. So, there's this critical me: the one that earned my Ph.D., the one that writes academic jargon, the one that makes me iron my clothes, the one that doesn't like the way I dance. But there is also another me: the one that dances, the one that writes poetry, the one that has zen (whatever that is). This is not really a mind/body split or a body/soul split. It is just two philosophical parts (and this is where that Existentialism and film Berkeley course hit a nerve with me: two separate world views colliding in one culture) that don't really find meeting ground.
I can do and I can think about doing.
Thinking about doing is prized in our economic and ladder-climbing culture. But doing (particularly in creative ways) is both needed and resented in this culture. Here I think of Ayn Rand's ideas in the Fountainhead. We need our artists, but we set up our culture to punish then rather than reward them (at least that seems true when you compare artists to business people). My best example is my in-laws taking away a journal from their young son and telling him that writing in a diary will get him nowhere in life.
I am not a religious person. My examples of my experience of religion show that (I hope). Yet, I do want to find some ease/peace in my life. The glimpses that I get of such a thing are through doing: writing a poem, moving in a yoga pose, concentration on the space around me. That is not to say that the other part of me doesn't find pleasure in the results: the poem, the depth of the pose, the tranquility of meditation. But it seems that "god," whatever that might be, is not in the product, but in the act itself. "It" is something that evaporates the moment the action ends. And it is in that way that I refuse to see any "god" as separate from myself. It is not a god/me question. God is just a buzzword that signifies something important, something worth a little extra focus and energy. But this "god" is me.
And, see, now that I've said it, it sounds like what everyone else has already said. I'm sure I'm adding nothing to this conversation.
Here is what I don't think: I don't believe that faith would have made me speak in tongues or feel saved. But there are other things that move me: yoga, dancing, poetry. Those things need me to honor them by letting them be without the rigorous academic shakedown. (Interesting that my dissertation is a rigorous shakedown of poetry and that I haven't written any poetry since I started the dissertation).
What I am doing now is attempting to focus. I need to find the avenues for action instead of reflection. Of course, even this post runs counter to that idea. For here I am thinking about it, giving it a good once (or twice) over. And it is precisely that tendency that I am becoming skeptical of.
Bright Eyes says,
That is what I yearn for.
Okay. So, there's this critical me: the one that earned my Ph.D., the one that writes academic jargon, the one that makes me iron my clothes, the one that doesn't like the way I dance. But there is also another me: the one that dances, the one that writes poetry, the one that has zen (whatever that is). This is not really a mind/body split or a body/soul split. It is just two philosophical parts (and this is where that Existentialism and film Berkeley course hit a nerve with me: two separate world views colliding in one culture) that don't really find meeting ground.
I can do and I can think about doing.
Thinking about doing is prized in our economic and ladder-climbing culture. But doing (particularly in creative ways) is both needed and resented in this culture. Here I think of Ayn Rand's ideas in the Fountainhead. We need our artists, but we set up our culture to punish then rather than reward them (at least that seems true when you compare artists to business people). My best example is my in-laws taking away a journal from their young son and telling him that writing in a diary will get him nowhere in life.
I am not a religious person. My examples of my experience of religion show that (I hope). Yet, I do want to find some ease/peace in my life. The glimpses that I get of such a thing are through doing: writing a poem, moving in a yoga pose, concentration on the space around me. That is not to say that the other part of me doesn't find pleasure in the results: the poem, the depth of the pose, the tranquility of meditation. But it seems that "god," whatever that might be, is not in the product, but in the act itself. "It" is something that evaporates the moment the action ends. And it is in that way that I refuse to see any "god" as separate from myself. It is not a god/me question. God is just a buzzword that signifies something important, something worth a little extra focus and energy. But this "god" is me.
And, see, now that I've said it, it sounds like what everyone else has already said. I'm sure I'm adding nothing to this conversation.
Here is what I don't think: I don't believe that faith would have made me speak in tongues or feel saved. But there are other things that move me: yoga, dancing, poetry. Those things need me to honor them by letting them be without the rigorous academic shakedown. (Interesting that my dissertation is a rigorous shakedown of poetry and that I haven't written any poetry since I started the dissertation).
What I am doing now is attempting to focus. I need to find the avenues for action instead of reflection. Of course, even this post runs counter to that idea. For here I am thinking about it, giving it a good once (or twice) over. And it is precisely that tendency that I am becoming skeptical of.
Bright Eyes says,
I never thought of running
My feet just led the way
That is what I yearn for.
posted by perrykat at
10:06 AM
2 Comments:
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Man you and I might be in the same place right now. I had this same conversation with Ann Saturday. It wasn't as perfectly stated, as you have done, but it was along those same lines.
Ann and I went into a couple of galleries and she made the comment that I could easily do the work that was displayed. I came back with the comment "that all artist; writers, painters, musicians, become famous after they die". After I made that comment I came to the realization that it really shouldn't matter if I'm famous or not, it's filling that void that yearns for expression. The conversation went on about how the pressure I put on myself to uphold my creativity and in essence, I lose all sense of what I really CAN DO!
It hurts me to think that someone cannot express their feelings in a journal that could potentially document their success and could even be what succeeds them. It also gives me a nauseous feeling when I hear that a school doesn't offer or is canceling their creative courses. If you ask someone what their favorite movie/play, book, song, or brand what would they say? They would have to answer with something that stems from creativity. Our culture rejects what essentially drives it.
When I think about how unwanted creativity is, makes me wonder about what would happen if we all stopped being creative. How would you answer the question that I posed earlier: What is your favorite movie/play, book, song, or brand? Despite how rebellious I want to be, I will continue with my renewed urge to be creative again.
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