Not depressed?

It is strange, but after about a week of being on the verge of tears at every second and sleeping too much, yesterday I found I could post my No Babies post and I could get out of bed and I could talk about things with C. I am not depressed.

And I do have Bright Eyes on loop, and I do feel pissed off about American politics (even the Democrats are weak and unable to stand up to Bush and his administration), and I do want to have a baby while I am choosing not to.

Feels strange really. But thank you all for your comments and your advise and, most of all, your love.

Here is what I know:

• I have to try this job because I worked many many years to get to a place where someone would offer me said job, and now they did. So, I will go.
• My husband is not capable or ready to leave his job because he has worked many many years to get to a place where he holds a certain position, has job security, and makes enough money that he can retire at 65 with an amount of money that he feels will make him comfortable.
• I do not want to raise a child while trying to hold a long distance marriage together.
• I will give up (or at least postpone) having a child.
• I will deal with (for better or worse) my feelings of abandonment and loss.
• I will takes steps toward independence (mostly financially) so as to feel safe again.

The last two are at my therapist's suggestion, and have been expressed to C. While they are ugly, they are very real and must be acknowledged. The irony is that C.'s attempts to feel secure have made me feel insecure.

But, as Jebbo notes, it is a matter of perspective. This is supposed to be a time of celebration in my life. I am one of the 40% that got a tenure-track job. Celebrate. I will be working for a liberal arts college where English is not the ugly stepchild. Celebrate. I will be able to continue my work with the Alabama Prison Arts and Education Project. Celebrate. I now have a Ph.D. Celebrate. I'm going to buy a new house. Celebrate.

But there are costs. The world is still an ugly, hate-filled place. Little girls in China are still abandoned for being little girls. Couples in New York are (or might be) slave owners. My government wants to gather all the power and control for themselves, my civil rights be damned. Some of my favorite loved ones are still denied the right to marry because they love the "wrong" people. I must choose either career or family.

My therapist says that most people don't think about the choice to have children; they don't take it as seriously as I do. There are things I just can't do to a child: mainly those things are the things that I found painful in my own childhood. The cost of this kind of thinking about costs is childlessness. But childlessness hurts less than passing on pain.

It really seems strange that I'm not depressed, but I am not. I am sad. But there is a difference.

I'll post more on small things a little later today-- attempting to be the American Doll Posse (which I don't have -- is it good?) to my own Cassadega. (for those who don't know the music, I'll say, to be the "Talladega Nights" to my own "Requiem for a Dream"). Maybe those aren't exactly equal. Help me out here.