First Haircut

So, I trimmed the back of Zi's hair today.  Not really enough for anyone to notice, but it was starting to look like a mullet, so I trimmed it up a little bit.  She did not protest.

My hair stylist said that some children cry when they get their hair cut because they think their hair is part of them so cutting it will hurt.  Hair is, of course, part of us.  I think about this more with fingernails and toenails.  Maybe because I have to cut them much more often.  Maybe it is because sometimes I cut those too short.

I guess what cutting Zi's hair really did, though, was make me realize that in two days, she will have been with us for three months.  And in only three months, I cannot imagine my life without her.  I remember people asking me if I felt that way when we first got home from China, and I thought (and even said) absolutely not.  I clearly could still imagine sleeping when I wanted to and going to the grocery store unencumbered by 20 extra pounds and the hassles of a car seat.  And, maybe I can still imagine that, but it certainly feels distant, and in some strange way, sad.

But it is not that I think I didn't have a life before Zi.  In fact I had a pretty fancy and dream-like life.  Maybe having had the life I did makes me appreciate her more.  I don't resent her when I'm home on a weekend night.  I don't feel like she has taken my life from me.  On the other hand,  I certainly don't think that raising children is all life is about.  But, even with all of the hardships that come with raising a child, it is pretty darn fun.  I can't get over how amazing the human animal is:  how adaptable, how intelligent, how emotional, and how full of joy and wonder.

Zi started preschool this week.  I expected to be really torn apart when I left her there on Monday morning.  I wasn't.  Now, I did feel conflicted some days.  And, she was sick on Friday, so I had her home with me (she is much better today), so she had a short week.  But, I was amazed at how quickly we have all adapted to each other and how easily she adapted to group care again.

It's sort of like the haircut.  There are things that we do that look like they should hurt.  But I can hack away at your hair and fingernails and you won't hurt a bit.  I thought dropping her off at school would hurt.  But when Zi goes to school, she's surrounded by other children her age and two lovely teachers that are helping her learn to follow directions, play with other children, finger paint, even putting on her own clothes.  It's those things that we don't expect to hurt:  the paper cut when opening an envelope that you have to look out for.  Like when a baby has a cold, and there is nothing you can do.  That's the stuff that hurts.  Not the haircuts.  Not the dropping off at daycare.  It's the sweet little girl with a snotty nose that causes me to suck my teeth and wish for some sort of emotional Band-aid.