Good Mothering
So, I had a thought this weekend. What does it mean to be a good mother in this culture? I think I do most of the things that need to be done for Zi: feeding, washing, dressing, loving, playing, driving, shopping, you know, the typical stuff. And quite a bit of this stuff, I don't really enjoy doing.
And, it was the next thought, and the thought that followed quickly on its heels that made me stop and think this through a little bit more. My next thought was, a good mother would enjoy all of it. And that is when I realized the truth of Ayelet Waldman's book (see my earlier post): This is what our culture tells us good mothering is. It doesn't really matter, according to our culture, that I DO all of these things. Good mothers love doing it. I don't. Therefore, I am a bad mother.
But, I disagree. In fact, I want to disagree loudly. If you enjoy spending all day with a 13 month old child who doesn't yet walk or speak, who enjoys pulling the dishes out of the cabinets and banging on every surface that she can find, then more power to you. I'm glad that someone enjoys it (as I tell the teachers of Zi's class nearly every day). I don't know how they do it. I do not enjoy it.
I love Zi. I love spending time with her. In fact, now that I am working, I find that the few hours each day that I have with her are pretty amazing and fun. But, when I was spending all 12 of her waking hours with her (and many days, with only her), I was pretty miserable. As cute and sweet and amazing as she is, 12 hours was too much for me.
So, then I started wondering. Why do we expect a "good" mother to enjoy it? Do you expect that an employee must enjoy cleaning dishes to be a good dish washer? No. We just expect them to get the job done. And if they get it done faster or with more accuracy, then they are great employees. Why should parenting be any different?
I had a fight with a friend years ago because I said that parenting was a duty, an obligation. She believed that children are not obligations but gifts (I'm paraphrasing her here; it has been quite a few years ago). I think, though, that most people would agree with her and not with me. And, it isn't that I don't see that Zi is a gift. She is. But, PARENTING is a duty. It is a job. And, it is a job that I don't really always enjoy.
But to say that is nearly blasphemous in our culture. And, I wonder, why? It is not only a job, it is a HARD job. Harder than any job I've ever had. The hours are long and unforgiving, and the stakes couldn't be higher.
But, if we could stop demonizing each other for the way we feel about doing, ESPECIALLY when we do it, then maybe we could move our society to a place where women were not expected to do the bulk of the work, to a society where decent childcare is more readily available and not so darn expensive, to a place where we begin to realize that it is work. Those who have the luxury to choose to stay at home with their children (and, I do have that luxury; I have chosen otherwise) are respected for the WORK that they do.
On the brighter side, my darling Zi is now a walker. Here is video of her showing off her new skills:
And, it was the next thought, and the thought that followed quickly on its heels that made me stop and think this through a little bit more. My next thought was, a good mother would enjoy all of it. And that is when I realized the truth of Ayelet Waldman's book (see my earlier post): This is what our culture tells us good mothering is. It doesn't really matter, according to our culture, that I DO all of these things. Good mothers love doing it. I don't. Therefore, I am a bad mother.
But, I disagree. In fact, I want to disagree loudly. If you enjoy spending all day with a 13 month old child who doesn't yet walk or speak, who enjoys pulling the dishes out of the cabinets and banging on every surface that she can find, then more power to you. I'm glad that someone enjoys it (as I tell the teachers of Zi's class nearly every day). I don't know how they do it. I do not enjoy it.
I love Zi. I love spending time with her. In fact, now that I am working, I find that the few hours each day that I have with her are pretty amazing and fun. But, when I was spending all 12 of her waking hours with her (and many days, with only her), I was pretty miserable. As cute and sweet and amazing as she is, 12 hours was too much for me.
So, then I started wondering. Why do we expect a "good" mother to enjoy it? Do you expect that an employee must enjoy cleaning dishes to be a good dish washer? No. We just expect them to get the job done. And if they get it done faster or with more accuracy, then they are great employees. Why should parenting be any different?
I had a fight with a friend years ago because I said that parenting was a duty, an obligation. She believed that children are not obligations but gifts (I'm paraphrasing her here; it has been quite a few years ago). I think, though, that most people would agree with her and not with me. And, it isn't that I don't see that Zi is a gift. She is. But, PARENTING is a duty. It is a job. And, it is a job that I don't really always enjoy.
But to say that is nearly blasphemous in our culture. And, I wonder, why? It is not only a job, it is a HARD job. Harder than any job I've ever had. The hours are long and unforgiving, and the stakes couldn't be higher.
But, if we could stop demonizing each other for the way we feel about doing, ESPECIALLY when we do it, then maybe we could move our society to a place where women were not expected to do the bulk of the work, to a society where decent childcare is more readily available and not so darn expensive, to a place where we begin to realize that it is work. Those who have the luxury to choose to stay at home with their children (and, I do have that luxury; I have chosen otherwise) are respected for the WORK that they do.
On the brighter side, my darling Zi is now a walker. Here is video of her showing off her new skills:
posted by perrykat at
4:48 PM
1 Comments:
You go for it sister... don't let those little legs knock you down... get back up and walk and walk and walk... cause your sister here in Florida is starting to really walk up a storm... hugs to ya darlin'... keep on walking...
As for the mothering thing... I must be a bad mum too... I love, love, love Shauna and love being with her but all day of having to think for 2 people... ohhhh... she can't talk etc so you don't always know what it is they want. It is like a duty to be with them the way we are now... it is our duty to help them to learn skills for life now and in the future... sure, they are a gift and I will be the first one to say so but the truth is... it is a hard job - the hardest I have ever had... I have to say that I go to work... but miss her like crazy and look forward to getting home... nope you aren't a bad mum but normal...
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