Smooth the edges
It is a fascinating process...bringing a new person (or animal) into your home. We talk a lot about the adjustments that have to be made when you move in with a partner. Oh, I remember that well. I'm sure Charles does too. You really have to learn to live with a person.
The same is true for animals. When we brought Phoenix home, there was quite a bit of adjustment. Before you know it, you are scooping up poop without a second thought. (I think we are nearing a second dog...more on that as it progresses).
Well, of course the same is true of a child. I've been thinking lately about the other families in our China travel group who adopted older children. I believe they were 12, 8, and 4. Zi was 10 months old. Two of those three families were adopting their second Chinese child, and looked at us lovingly and remembered what their daughters (who we met) were like at 10 months old. I think now about what their adjustment periods have been like. We have been home from China for 3 months (on the 29th). I wonder how those families are making out.
I think we are making out fine. But, if I'm honest (like I was in the last post), it has been hard. And, I don't just mean for me. I look at her daily and think about her mother in China. I wonder about her father in China. I know that she has no cognitive memory of either of them, but surely her body remembers (at least her mother). I think about the major adjustments she's had to make in only 13 months: the loss of her mother, the loss of her orphanage (which was her 2nd home), the loss of her primary language, and the gain of a new set of parents and English. It seems overwhelming. And, because she is so small, she really won't remember much (if any of it). Then I think about the other families in our group whose children are old enough to remember. I wonder how long it takes to smooth down those edges.
Because, today, that is how it feels: like smoothing down the rough edges of stones when you tumble them together. I am a grumpy night person. She is a happy morning person. Those are sharp edges to mix. She is pre-verbal, and I'm a word person. She is young, and I am (at least I am feeling) old. She likes people and groups of people, and I like to be alone. And yet, for all my moaning and complaining about how hard it is (and it IS), I really love the look of tumbled stone, of things well worn. When we were in Tokyo last summer, one of the temples had this beautiful, clean-lined, stone courtyard. I marveled how over the thousand or so years, the stone had been worn by the passing of people to look almost soft. I found it gorgeous. Not only for its aesthetic (which was gorgeous), but because of what it suggested: many people have passed here.
Our culture tends to prize sharp edges. Knives are metaphors for power. And it is painful to be thrown in with other sharp-edged objects and tumbled around. But my hope is, that in the end, we will look like that Shinto courtyard.
Recently, Charles reminded me of this quote from Hunter S. Thompson:
Yes, I think that is about right.
The same is true for animals. When we brought Phoenix home, there was quite a bit of adjustment. Before you know it, you are scooping up poop without a second thought. (I think we are nearing a second dog...more on that as it progresses).
Well, of course the same is true of a child. I've been thinking lately about the other families in our China travel group who adopted older children. I believe they were 12, 8, and 4. Zi was 10 months old. Two of those three families were adopting their second Chinese child, and looked at us lovingly and remembered what their daughters (who we met) were like at 10 months old. I think now about what their adjustment periods have been like. We have been home from China for 3 months (on the 29th). I wonder how those families are making out.
I think we are making out fine. But, if I'm honest (like I was in the last post), it has been hard. And, I don't just mean for me. I look at her daily and think about her mother in China. I wonder about her father in China. I know that she has no cognitive memory of either of them, but surely her body remembers (at least her mother). I think about the major adjustments she's had to make in only 13 months: the loss of her mother, the loss of her orphanage (which was her 2nd home), the loss of her primary language, and the gain of a new set of parents and English. It seems overwhelming. And, because she is so small, she really won't remember much (if any of it). Then I think about the other families in our group whose children are old enough to remember. I wonder how long it takes to smooth down those edges.
Because, today, that is how it feels: like smoothing down the rough edges of stones when you tumble them together. I am a grumpy night person. She is a happy morning person. Those are sharp edges to mix. She is pre-verbal, and I'm a word person. She is young, and I am (at least I am feeling) old. She likes people and groups of people, and I like to be alone. And yet, for all my moaning and complaining about how hard it is (and it IS), I really love the look of tumbled stone, of things well worn. When we were in Tokyo last summer, one of the temples had this beautiful, clean-lined, stone courtyard. I marveled how over the thousand or so years, the stone had been worn by the passing of people to look almost soft. I found it gorgeous. Not only for its aesthetic (which was gorgeous), but because of what it suggested: many people have passed here.
Our culture tends to prize sharp edges. Knives are metaphors for power. And it is painful to be thrown in with other sharp-edged objects and tumbled around. But my hope is, that in the end, we will look like that Shinto courtyard.
Recently, Charles reminded me of this quote from Hunter S. Thompson:
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!’”
Yes, I think that is about right.
posted by perrykat at
8:35 AM
1 Comments:
I love your way with words and how you express yourself... me, I am all over the place and never know how to express myself... as for that quote... oh... that is SO me... I want to go into my grave... tumbling, torn up, worn out, gravel rash, grass stains etc...
You and I are alike... I like to be alone and less people... Shauna is the show pony... hugs
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