The Problem with My Brain, or at least one of them

The problem with having a brain like mine is that if I don't find some way to keep a valve open, the stuff inside just builds up like a pool. Somehow, it is only the important little things (like where I put my keys, or that third thing I needed from the grocery store) that slip away. The big stuff just sits there stewing.

So, the most recent stew looks something like this:

I want to find a center within myself: a non-conditional committment to guide me through my days and nights.

I've been listening to this class from Berkeley on Existentialism and Film and watching the films. The professor has a nice set up for the course where he describes the philosophical tradition (starting with the Greeks) which values a universal ethic -- a Truth -- that should be true for all humans. On the other hand, we also have the Judeo-Christian tradition which found/finds value in the personal experience, in the committment to a single idea which overshadows any universal ethic. In our culture, we attempt to follow both traditions -- and this leaves us completely confused.

Existential thinkers attempt to either join the two traditions or overthrow one with the other (typically it is the Greeks that are thrown out).

Feminist theory, too, has trouble with the Greeks tradition (especially with the way philosophers like Descartes play it).

And here I am teaching in the academy: the most prominent of the Greek relics.

What is my defining committment? Ethics? Ha! Yet, when I look closely, I'm unsure what shapes my choices. What makes me act?

I might be living a life of "lower immediacy" (the life of an immature, childlike person, always ruled by my base needs), but I don't think so. Maybe teaching is it, but the academy is still a philosophical institution.

Today, I find myself wondering what makes me tick. This is the stagnant pool I live with. If I don't know what makes me tick, who the hell does?