What I'm really saying

As I write letters of application for jobs all over this country, I am amused by what it is that I am really saying beneath the rigidly correct and overly self-selling language. Here is what a letter that said what it meant would say:

Dear person in a job I would kill to have:

I am writing to plead for a position in your school. It is a position I read about in an advertisement in that snooty little magazine we are all required to read. While I have never really wanted to live in your state, you seem to have a job that I qualify for and beggars can't be choosers. I have all the required degrees and have earned all the obligatory awards so that you will want to hire me, but other than the few dollars those awards brought, they have been little use in my life.

My research work up to this point is still on the student level. I want to become like you: published, respected, and well paid, but I'm still a peon in this world. Please take pity on me; please see my potential; please note that I will work really hard.

I do have some experience teaching the basic courses, but I hope you can see that my success with those courses will make me successful teaching more advanced courses as well. I really need you to see how much I love working, because I do. Nothing in the world is more fulfilling than teaching students, not even the money I am giving up to stay in academics.

I have also spent much time and energy working for free so that you will want to hire me. I've read all the horrible poetry sent to literary magazines and have sent the writers rejection letters; I've served on do-nothing committees and committees that kept me from watching my favorite TV programs. I've gone to conferences, been a student go-for, and generally prostrated myself to the academic world so that when I sat down to write this letter, you would be impressed. Please be impressed.

I am now thanking you for your time, but I want more of it. I want you to call me as soon as you read this letter to schedule an interview with me so that I can tell you more wonderful things about me. The truth is, I am desperate. Please hire me. I know you are reading this letter after reading 200 others, but I REALLY need this job.

Please. please.

Have mercy.