Being a girl
I can't even count the number of times I wished I wasn't a girl. Those moments were not confined to the times when I was told I couldn't have a motorcycle or play soccer or wear pants to church. There were also smaller and less volatile moments that I won't go into here, but they usually involved not liking certain treatments from men (too friendly) and women (too hateful) and wishing my life could be different. I imagine that we all have those feelings. But I do often wonder how often men and boys wish they were not. I would venture that if we could keep track of such things, more women wish they were men than vice versa.
I'm sure that this would translate into race, nationality, class, and sexualities too. I know many more homosexuals who wish they were heterosexual than (I know) vice versa. Again, if this is true, it pans out to be a power thing. Those with the power have no desire to give it up. Why would they? I see this quite often when teaching. It is always the white, male student that writes a paper arguing against affirmative action or pay equality. And until very recently in my 36 years of living, I rarely heard Americans saying they wished they were not American. Even now when some of us say it, we aren't ready to turn in our passports for that of a developing nation. Again, why would we?
Anyway, I've talked to many women in the past five years or so who are raising male children. Many of those women are trying to nuture their boys into the kind of men that "we" want more of in this world. And I keep thinking about my desire to raise a girl child. I have lots of pain tied inside me which stems from my own culture's devaluing of my femaleness, and I am choosing to adopt a child from a country who devalues their girls even more (or at least more openly). She will have to face that for herself someday, I know. But I still have to consider, do I really think I can make her pain less than my own? Is it possible to heal such inflictions of culture on the individual?
My honest answer is probably not.
And yet, I want to try. I want to say to her: you can. I want to say it to myself too.
You can. I can. And not just in spite of being a girl, but also because of it. I want to say, "It's possible," and I want to mean it.
I'm sure that this would translate into race, nationality, class, and sexualities too. I know many more homosexuals who wish they were heterosexual than (I know) vice versa. Again, if this is true, it pans out to be a power thing. Those with the power have no desire to give it up. Why would they? I see this quite often when teaching. It is always the white, male student that writes a paper arguing against affirmative action or pay equality. And until very recently in my 36 years of living, I rarely heard Americans saying they wished they were not American. Even now when some of us say it, we aren't ready to turn in our passports for that of a developing nation. Again, why would we?
Anyway, I've talked to many women in the past five years or so who are raising male children. Many of those women are trying to nuture their boys into the kind of men that "we" want more of in this world. And I keep thinking about my desire to raise a girl child. I have lots of pain tied inside me which stems from my own culture's devaluing of my femaleness, and I am choosing to adopt a child from a country who devalues their girls even more (or at least more openly). She will have to face that for herself someday, I know. But I still have to consider, do I really think I can make her pain less than my own? Is it possible to heal such inflictions of culture on the individual?
My honest answer is probably not.
And yet, I want to try. I want to say to her: you can. I want to say it to myself too.
You can. I can. And not just in spite of being a girl, but also because of it. I want to say, "It's possible," and I want to mean it.
posted by perrykat at
1:48 PM
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