No Babies
Lots of things are changing in my life. One of the things that I am trying to come to terms with is that C and I have decided not to adopt or to have children.
[breathing long and hard]
Neither of us are willing to live apart from a child, and neither of us are interested in giving up our careers. In our reasoning, that means no children. Officially, we have not taken our names off of the list, but there is paperwork that needs to be renewed, and we are not going to do that. As soon as we are capable of really facing facts, we will take our names off of the list.
This is the consequence of our choices. And we are 1) trying to sleep in the bed we made, 2) trying to eat the pie we baked, 3) pretending that we will be fine with this decision.
I am less fine than C.
On the bright side: I can buy a house anywhere I want and not worry about the school systems. I can travel to Rome on a moment's notice or have sex on the kitchen floor without worrying about someone walking in on me. [But remember the next line in that movie??? I am haunted by it: "But the thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."]
In the mean time, I am house hunting, furniture shopping, and doing lots of yoga.
I'm also in the early stages planning a long road trip in July that will include going to see many of my friends. Next week I go to NC to see M and ME. Want me to come see you? :)
Life: it is never easy.
[breathing long and hard]
Neither of us are willing to live apart from a child, and neither of us are interested in giving up our careers. In our reasoning, that means no children. Officially, we have not taken our names off of the list, but there is paperwork that needs to be renewed, and we are not going to do that. As soon as we are capable of really facing facts, we will take our names off of the list.
This is the consequence of our choices. And we are 1) trying to sleep in the bed we made, 2) trying to eat the pie we baked, 3) pretending that we will be fine with this decision.
I am less fine than C.
On the bright side: I can buy a house anywhere I want and not worry about the school systems. I can travel to Rome on a moment's notice or have sex on the kitchen floor without worrying about someone walking in on me. [But remember the next line in that movie??? I am haunted by it: "But the thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."]
In the mean time, I am house hunting, furniture shopping, and doing lots of yoga.
I'm also in the early stages planning a long road trip in July that will include going to see many of my friends. Next week I go to NC to see M and ME. Want me to come see you? :)
Life: it is never easy.
posted by perrykat at
8:37 AM
7 Comments:
Meeting in 20 minutes, limited time to write.
Life is a headfuck.
Talking to J. in town from VA, about career, travel, and how relationships and families fit into this. His conversation started along the lines of, "so when A finishes degree, she's going to start a career... but is mid30s... so if kids then soon right... so what's it gonna be. That lasted through about 7 holes of disc golf, ending along the lines of, 'right now we are planning to have and do everything, knowing that something will have to give.'
Right now what gives is doing work I'd rather not, in hopes of accumulating money that will make more possible in the future.
It (conversation) started on another interesting note... the idea that spending a year or two or four seemed nothing in our twenties, but increasingly time seems the scarce quantity. What if you have a chance to live in Asia for a few years (I don't, he does)? You jump, right? I mean, who would give up that opportunity?
But those years go, and the opportunity cost of relationships go with them.
Is it wisdom to not worry about things that aren't here, when so much of life seems redirected by unexpected events? Or is it a cop-out?
Right now I hope that accumulating options to offset those passing, and trying to enjoy whatever is available in each day, is enough.
I wish I knew it was.
Also something in If The Brakeman Turns My Way seems apropos.
The whole thing I suppose.
Thanks for bragging on it. I'm swimming in it.
A question on further reflection.
It sounds like the obstacle isn't the child, but the location.
What I mean is, I didn't hear that neither of you is willing to live have a child without someone staying at home with the child. If that were the case, and your careers wouldn't permit staying at home, and surrogate care (nanny etc) wasn't acceptable, then it would make sense that a child didn't fit.
But the problem sounds like it is that neither of you wants to have a child living in a different place than you are.
Speaking from experience, I'd also suggest that ... choosing words precisely... that's equivalent to saying that you don't want to have kids while you are living apart. That begs the question of whether you will always be apart. If not, then the obstacle will be removed at that time.
Granted that obstacle is there now. But I guess I'd ask more about the relationship and location plans, and view the child ones as a visible result (canary) of that. Especially if fertility isn't driving the timeline.
Ugh, not done but meeting time is here.
More later.
Dammit -- I just lost a whole response.
Let me try again.
Major headfuck. major.
Okay, so yes, the living apart is the problem. That might change. But, the adoption process is/was emotionally difficult. Will I want to do it again? I don't know. We get out of line now and we start over from scratch. Also, while biological age doesn't matter as much (no adoptions after 45 for an infant) in adoption, I don't really want to be 70 at my child's high school graduation. Even 60 seems a little old to be dealing with a teenager.
The Brakeman: it is an infinite coincidence, but it doesn't form a plan, the scales always find a way to level out.
Yes. Scary.
Opportunity Costs: that is exactly what this is, and the pain comes from knowing that I am making this choice, that I am will to pay this price -- or that he is. Devastating.
Yeah, I get and agree with all of that.
only other observation that comes to mind is something A and I talked about before her degree... one answer to the whole "I'll be xx years old before the thing I want happens" is "you'll be xx years old regardless, what do you want when you get there?"
Not much of an answer, but maybe a useful angle on the situation.
Wish you were here :-)
Damn!
I know it has to be hard. I can't imagine the position you are in and how to resolve all those feelings.
I am so ready for children but A says in 3-5 years we could try. I battle the age thing but does it really make a difference being older taking care of a child, teenager, or young adult? My father is 73 and was in his 60's when I lived under his roof (granted that it was unplanned). Even with it being unplanned I think that there wouldn't be a thing that I would change about his age. He is a very influential person in my life. He seems more "old" now then when I was in school. really, what child doesn't think that their parents are "old". Does that mean that I would want children if I were in my 60's, I don't really think I can say. Certain circumstance lead me to believe that you may be a better parent and have more time for it when you are older.
I don't want to try to persuade you but just wanted to share. I hope you find some serenity out of this hurdle. It's a tough one but I feel that you both will find a way to get over it.
On a lighter note - My tank is low on some KP. Seriously, we would love a visit or we could come there.
In case you are on Cassadega loop. Gosh, it's beautiful, but it's radiohead. I mean, I switched out to American Doll Posse and practically laughed at the relative lightness.
I suspect it is a useful role of music and arts to channel and connect the collective angst so that the collective can channel it in a way to adjust and survive. Which is to say, it makes sense that this is out there, and powerful, and attractive, and serves a greater purpose.
But sitting down with the music accessible with paved emotional pathways, then reading the lyrics, it's just too much all at once. I can do maybe half of it then have to step outside and breathe.
So my point if there is one, is the old bell jar thing, and getting perspective, and there is so much crap going on in the world right now that it seems like society is going through a crisis, and I feel that crisis, and I'm aware that little things in every day that are hard are hard in part because of more than what they are themselves. I'm short-tempered, irritable, overly-obsessive, like the 9-11 folks on CNN-loop. And it's not the little things causing that, but even little things are hard.
And that background makes Cassadega powerful because it's a spotlight on all the crap, and while there is truth in the light, it is also true that we have to compartmentalize and take things in manageable chunks. For me right now the manageable chunks are very small.
And if there is anything to Jung, some of that crap is coming your way, and while that doesn't change any truths, I hope it contextualizes it. I'd also say something about my belief that our reason follows our emotions rather than otherwise, and our meanings are thus constructed rather than inherent, and thus the collective crapconscious will inform our meanings, or that meanings are inherently temporal, or something along those lines, ,,,
,,
,
But that's a glass of wine 2 am conversation. Ask me about the political mind in 5 weeks if you remember...
I'm also torn on the whole 'step outside to be helpful' vs 'stay still and be there' dilemna. Dilemna should have an 'n'. Anyway, I mention the dilemma only to say that most of this is attempted helpful outside stuff because I want to fix things because I care deeply. And I'd like to stay inside too, if that makes any sense. Welcome to long distance communication.
Remember that many, many people love you more than you can imagine.
And I want to talk to you about the self-guilt (?) (recrimination?) of choosing anything over being together with the person you commit your life to, regardless of its logic. And I want to listen.
Wanted to say all that earlier, but work is only a slight 2nd place mindfuck, and it takes a while for the mind to find respectable knickers and sensible shoes.
Sorry for the ramble; harder but better than the alternative of numb platitudes.
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