Am I really a control freak?

I took three friends to Hot Yoga tonight. That is always an interesting experience. First, hot yoga is not for wimps, and I never know for sure if I am torturing people when I take them. The number of people that continue to take after I've introduced them to yoga (0 of 7 if my count is correct) tells me that most don't love it like I do.

But that is beside the point.

It is always an interesting experiment in what W.E.B. DuBois called "double-consciousness" to take someone to hot yoga. You are able to see yourself both as you normally see yourself (in the studio mirror) and as another person sees you. I'm not sure that it is necessarily a healthy thing -- technically, we should be able to focus only on the self and forget that others are watching. But, what I find proves true in all observations in my life: the fact of observation changes the action.

Examples: a smile for a camera, an outside observer in my classroom, or a speech from a lectern

The thing that is different about yoga (from the above) is I think I "perform" better when being watched. I certainly perform with more discipline. When I was practicing in my attic, I was more willing to take chances...to try something new. But with someone watching, I put more energy into doing it right... holding it longer... going deeper.

That's different from my other examples. When I am observed in a classroom, my nerves nearly get the best of me. I fumble through and always feel that my classes are less effective.

So, I'm thinking tonight about what a control freak I am. I am wondering about letting go and how to balance my desire for perfection against the desire to let go.

It is a tight rope walk, and it speaks to the difficulties of wanting to be a parent and trying to achieve that with perfection instead of letting go.

Even here, at the end of this post, I want to find some perfect answer, some nice nugget of wisdom to pass along about balance and harmony.

Instead, I think I'll let it go.