Deep Thoughts

I sometimes wish that I never had deep thoughts.

I look at hopelessly shallow people with envy. I wonder: What is it like to look around and not see anything? What is it like to think that our government is wonderful, that our quality of life is brilliant, that people are good and true?

When I finish with a thought like that, I have to look at myself and ask: which is better? My life or idiot's life over there? Idiot seems to be smiling and having a good time. I wonder.

Today, however, is not filled with too many deep thoughts. I'm trying to finish a semester and finish a dissertation. I'm trying to get a job. In the nanoseconds in between I have been thinking about control. I watched this documentary on HBO called Thin and I thought that these women needed something in life to control -- so they controlled their food intake, their bodies, their desire.

I am a controlling kind of girl myself. I not only want the house clean, I want it clean MY way. This is a personality trait that is good for teaching, but hard on a person's life. The world is not a neat little package that one can wrap up with the corners tucked in tightly. When I finally stopped biting my fingernails, a well-meaning member of the family asked what I replaced the habit with. I gave some stupid, and not-thought-out answer, but the real answer is control. I learned that the control was just as satisfying.

I'm finding this to be true in my eating habit change as well. There is something to be said for control: that something is that it is gratifying. My therapist says that my drive for control stems from a childhood that was out of control. That sounds rational enough.

But am I alone out there? Do you control things? Does it give you a sense of satisfaction? Does it make you crazy when you lose control?

Well, those aren't really deep thoughts. But that is what I have to offer today.

Cheese, anyone?

Today is day seventeen of my no-sugar, no-wheat eating plan (minus the brownie on Thanksgiving Day).

Can I just say that cheese is the best food ever?

When I think I just HAVE to have a Frosty, I go for the cheese instead. Somehow, it works.

After two (plus) weeks, I'm over my head spinning and most of the cravings.

Even better news? I feel really good. Maybe better than I have in 20 years.

Does it get even better? Well, I've lost four pounds.

Wierd.

Recovery

The things I'm doing to recover from a few days with family and in-laws:

• Returned home Saturday night
• Slept late on Sunday
• Have a 90 minute massage schedule for an hour from now
• Went to yoga last night
• Will go to yoga again tonight
• Slept 15 minutes longer this morning than I should have
• Have eaten no turkey in three days
• Watched Who Killed the Electric Car? and allowed myself some feelings of smugness
• Washed my smug Prius and vacuumed it
  
• Did absolutely NO shopping this weekend
• Have been looking at pictures of my favorite dog:

That (pictures of as well as the real thing) is always sure to help me recover from anything.

Happy Turkey Day, Shopping, and other American Traditions

I'll be cooking all morning, driving all afternoon, and then eating all day tomorrow. I may or may not shop on Friday. I am certainly feeling American today.

However, I would like to stop my anti-me rant for a minute and consider the things that I am thankful for:

• C and the dog
• Living in country that allows me to complain about living in it
• The health of my family and friends (and my own)
• Choices in shoes (and other wearables)
• Turkey, cranberry sauce, and peas (among many other foods)
• That I don't have to thank any particular god for these things
  
• The money that makes my life easy
• The roof over my head
• That bombs are not falling on my head or nearby
• Yoga

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Oh the joy of the holiday season

That's right boys and girls, yet another holiday season is lurking around this very corner.

Everyone pack up your tolerance, fake smiles, and unhealed childhood wounds because the next month or so is sure to be filled with uncomfortable silences, debates, tears, and general misery.

Okay, so maybe I'm a pessimist. But, I'm not that far off the mark, I'm sure.

My dream for a holiday season is to have around me friends and family that don't make me crazier than I already am in situations where none of us is doing all the work and all of us want to be there.

I don't need a Rockwell portrait, just a little peace.

In the meantime, my baggage is getting heavier by the moment.

See some of you soon -- see others of you later.

More on T-Day tomorrow.

Existentialism

Okay, Jebbo, I know that other people lurk here sometimes, but you're the only one who talks these days, so I'm writing this one for you. The rest of you are welcomed to listen in at will. Hell, speak if you feel like it.

So, how far are you into the class? I'm finally to Nietzsche, and I'm happy to be there. I received Breathless in the mail today, so I'll watch it this weekend, but I don't see how it can top Hiroshima Mon Amour or The Third Man. Fantastic movies!

Anyway, I'm all interested in this split between the philosophical and the christian. I find I don't fit into either category ---

Okay -- so I better wait to see how far you are before I start talking.

How far?

Rain, Writing, and other inspirations

Well, maybe I've gotten you here under false pretenses; I'm not sure you'll find much inspiration on this blog today.

But, what the hell...while you're here, sit down a minute...have a cup of tea...or bottle of beer...

It is raining today in my area of the country. There are tsunamis elsewhere in the world, but they weren't as bad as they might have been. We haven't had a tornado yet, but other parts of the southeast may not be as lucky. I don't much like rain: at least not being in it. I like plants, flowers, and drinking water, so I try not to complain about the rain when it comes. But there is something, even to those of us who worship the sun, about being warm and dry and listening to the rain on the roof of your house. It makes me want a tin roof. I get to listen in on all kinds of good things that are happening around me (washing the pollen out of the air, giving drinks of water to the grass, filling the water reserves) without having to feel the growing pains, slick roads, and wet clothes.

It also gives me a reason to stay put. Sometimes I need that.

Even more interesting, rain makes me want to write. I don't know how to explain that, how to understand that the thumping on my roof turns on the itching in my fingers and chest. But here I am, listening to the rain, snuggling up next to my dog, and wishing I had something profound to say... this is the problem with inspiration, sometimes it comes without reason.

Sigh.

The Weather Channel says: Flash Flood Watch

I'm looking out for a wash of ideas. I'll let you know if it appears.

Sugar Addiction

For the second time in about three years, I'm coming off of sugar. I know that I have an addiction to sugar because both times I've "quit," I've felt worse than I did when I quit smoking. This time, I've promised myself that after ten days I can have some sugar again-- though I want to be more moderate with it. Somehow that helps.

Anyway. This is just to say that I'm mean and irritable. This thing I'm doing is supposed to "detox" me, but at this particular moment it feels more like I'm dredging toxic emotions and behavior from down in the depths of my soul. Chemistry fascinated me.

So, here I am, eating my nuts, meats, vegetables, fruits, cheese, and rice thinking that the food industry in this country has really worked my system into a mess. I'm 56 hours into this thing. Sunday was a blurr. Yesterday was a little better. Today I feel more like a human again. 8 days to go...

Random thoughts of the day

I've been thinking recently about emotional pain; not that I haven't felt it too, I've just spent some time the last few days thinking about it from outside of the pain itself.

Families, while not having the monopoly on emotional pain, seem to be especially cruel when it comes to inflicting such pain. My therapist told me recently that my family history is one of the worst/craziest she has ever dealt with. That doesn't surprise me much, as I have spent 36 years feeling the pain of such craziness and trying to figure out when I'm the crazy one and when someone else is. Sometimes we are all crazy. But that is beside the point.

The point is about emotional pain. I am an extremely sensitive person in many, many ways. I can't stand to talk or think about bodily gore and pain; I can't watch horror movies; I am extremely moved by movies, and books, and art; I have spent most of my life feeling deeply both my own pain and that of others in the world. Maybe I'm not different from other people, all people feel these things -- I hope. But C says that what most people feel, I feel 100 times more powerfully. So, while you might be moved by a book, I'll spend days or even weeks crying and thinking about it. While you don't want to hear the bloody details, my knees are buckling underneath me at the first mention of the accident. I could go on and on. The point is, when someone makes comments or does things that hurt me, I have a lot of pain to deal in the aftermath. And it takes me a while.

Sometimes, I get stuck with a particular pain for years. There are some incidents from my childhood that I still haven't been able to settle. But that is not always true. Many times I move right along. What I've been thinking about this week is the difference between the two. Why do some emotional scars never heal? Why do some things heal immediately? What are the keys to understanding which pains will become which kind of scars?

I haven't found answers. There must be components of genetics, experiences, and commitments that play into why some pains dig deeper than others, but I don't know how to predict anything as of yet. Here's what I know: family has deep power because they have been there from the beginning, because our basic trust issues were built on and by those people, and because they know precisely where to push to make it hurt the worst. I know, because I know just how to inflict pain. I'm not always (or even usually) the victim.

But if all life is suffering, or if we suffer because we are human (struggling between the dark and light parts of our selves), do I just accept pain as life? Even the Buddhists seem to be teaching ways to transcend pain: if you don't want, you don't hurt. But how do we tell an infant not to want food? Love? Isn't all emotional pain the result of the lack of love? What is love in this human life which is suffering? A miracle?

I don't really expect your answers to such a question, but your insights would be appreciated.

Happy Day

As a white person with plenty of education and wealth, I have been part of the winning side of most of American culture. Even though I grew up during the Reagan years, I was not very concerned about matters of politics during my teenage years and so I didn't care much that the deficit went through the roof in the 80s. But since then, I have grown into an understanding of how politics and the personal are intertwined, and I have to say that the last six years have really sucked. While I have been proudly Democrat ever since I was old enough to know better, I have also spent the last six years keeping my mouth shut in public places for fear of retaliation from what seemed to me to be the "people in power" who were determined that we liberals were to be shoved under foot as often as possible.

I am happy today that I am again in a country that has two sides. I grinned as I told my classes that I was happy with the election results. I encouraged those 18 year-old students who called themselves Republican to continue voting and discussing their own opinions on political issues. Hey, I voted Republican in my first election too. We all live and learn. :)

What feels so good to me is that I really had a secret fear that the voting system was rigged: that elections were only a farce and that the party in power could "take" them at will. Today helped me put that notion aside. It also showed me that there are people out there tired of George W. Bush and his bullshit. As Jebbo said recently, I'm ready to breathe again. And if it isn't too petty sounding, I would like to travel abroad again too!

I know that Democrats are not perfect. I know that we have only won the House 228-196 (and as of right now there is still one seat left to decide in the Senate and we are 50-49). I know that Bush is very powerful and still President for a few more years. But Rumsfeld is stepping down. That is something. And a majority in the House? It's been twelve years since that happened! Even better: A WOMAN as Speaker of the House! That REALLY is something. Okay, I'm getting giddy.

In the long and short of it: at least we might have a little muscle to fight with again. I just hope that those elected are ready to both fight and negotiate.

Happy Happy Day.

Vote dammit

Just a quick reminder that tomorrow (Tuesday) is election day. VOTE.

It matters!

Art on the Inside

The Alabama Prison Arts and Education Project is having another opening of student artwork in a gallery in Birmingham this weekend. Space One Eleven presents Art on the Inside this Friday from 5 - 7.

As most of you know this is a passion for me, and if you can, I recommend you seeing and reading the art being produced in Alabama's prisons. It will challenge your notions of incarceration, crime, and education.