Um...what time is it?

So, now that we've been home for 26 hours, I'm trying to figure this whole thing out.  When does a parent have time to shower, eat, have sex, oh, yes, and sleep?  :)

Here's to jet lag...

Yes, I'm completely exhausted, Zi had a pretty good day considering that yesterday she traveled for 30 hours straight, moved country, became a US citizen, moved into a new house, gained a pet dog, met her paternal grandparents and Aunt Lisa, and found herself on a 12 hour time difference.  But, of course, if you don't consider that, she was pretty cranky today.  Charles and I slept in shifts, which means, I slept from about midnight to 3:30 am and then again from 1:00 pm to 5:45 pm.  Here it is 1:30 am, and I'm still awake.  Typing.

I need to go to sleep, I know.  But, I am maybe too tired?  I feel too much like it is 1:30 pm?  I'm not sure.

I think I have too many things rattling around that I want to talk about... immigration, the lack of 24 hour grocery stores, food, car seats, differences between China and USA, even the absolute magic of being married to someone who is really a wonderful partner and father.  I should start there, but I think I want to capture how I felt last night when we got back to the USA...I might forget it if I don't get it down...

So, we land in Chicago, and I'm elated.  Once we go through immigration, Zi will be an official US citizen.  But there are two lines.  One for "visitors" and one for "citizens."  She is neither, and they told us in China to take her through the visitor line, so with the other adoptive families, we stood in that line.  Mostly this line consisted of non-white peoples... one or two Canadian or European families, but mostly Asian (we had just come off a flight from Beijing).  This line moved very slowly.  The other line, for citizens, was full of white people and moving quickly.  We only had about a two hour layover, so one by one, the adoptive families abandoned the "visitor" line and went to the fast moving line (which actually turned out to be the right line for us).  But what struck me was the attitudes.  The visitor line was anxious, and when we moved over to the citizen line, everyone was all smiles.  People were happy to be "home."  I wondered, why I found myself aggravated with the slow moving line.  Why was I feeling like we should get this show moving?  Why did I feel like I could just switch lines?

Flashback...When we took off from Beijing, we were searched just before we boarded the plane and were not allowed to bring any water on with us.  Any other time, I would have been annoyed, but I would not have cared much.  But here I was with a 10-month old baby, a ziplock full of powdered formula, and no water for a 14 hour flight.  When I told the officer (In English) that the water was for the baby, he said, "This is not your country" (Also in English) and promptly threw my water bottles into the trash.  I was enraged.  But, of course, silent.

Then I asked myself, why am I angry?  Why do I think I can take water on the plane?  Why do I think I can just switch lines?  How can I complain about my students' entitlement when I have the same feelings of self importance?

This did not really sink in until we were in our big nice car, driving to our big nice house, down huge 6 lane roads with no trash on them, through clean smog-free air, with our nice comfortable (and safe) car seat for a baby we just traveled to the other side of the world to get.

Damn, we are rich, wealthy, lucky, easy, free...

Our guide, Kelly, told us that her parents raised their four children in 600 square feet.  They managed to send all four of their daughters to college.  Kelly speaks 3 languages, has an excellent job, and is pregnant with her second child which her government forbids her to have because she is only supposed to have one.  When she has the baby, she will be charged over $35,000 for breaking the one child rule.  And that is just the official fine.  She and her husband will be punished socially as well.  Social taboos are sometimes the most difficult to deal with.

This is how babies like Zi end up in orphanages.  This is why I can move lines, why most of the world eats up American culture and still hates it simultaneously.  I've never felt so privileged in my life.  And, I'm not sure I like the cost of my privilege to other people waiting in other lines, living in cramped quarters, all over the world.

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

...but unlike John Denver, I don't really "hate to have to go."

We are ready to go. The weather in Atlanta doesn't look great for the
evening of the 29th (our arrival evening -- that's right, we leave
from the hotel in less than 11 hours, and we don't get home until the
night of the 29th. You do the math, and then add to the equation a 10-
month-old child who doesn't really trust us yet!), so do an anti-rain
dance, or pray to whatever Gods you pray to ... we'll take all the
help we can get to make this trip as smooth as possible. A little
better than the trip over would be a nice start.

No wonder my stomach is killing me.

Sigh.

Goodbye to China. Hello USA (population +1).

All complete and attachment

So, we did the "swearing in" oath yesterday at the US Consulate. Once
she lands on US soil, she will be an American citizen. All we have to
do when we get back is a simple court procedure to re-adopt her
there...this will give her an American birth certificate with our
names on it. Having this will both give her parents of record
(remember, she was abandoned here -- more on that in a later post-- so
she has no listed parents on her Chinese paperwork, only an orphanage)
and it will make her life easier in the US (think of all the things we
need birth certificates for...school enrollments, marriage, adoption
paperwork, etc). So, the paper chase is really over! I even had an
emotional moment when we did the swearing in ceremony (usually, an
adult would swear for herself, but as she is pre-verbal, and we are
the ones who actually applied for her citizenship, we did it for
her). I suppose there are some moments when I really am happy to be
American. Now she is an American too. (Don't worry, I am slightly
conflicted about this -- I really wish the Chinese government allowed
her to have dual citizenship, but alas, this is not an option).

So, today we prepare to come home.

And in doing so, I'd like to prepare you all (okay, y'all) for her
arrival. I guess this is my first real experience with being a momma
bear, and the protective instincts are already alive and well. In
addition, it is good for me to write things out...it makes them take
shape both in my head an in my life (see millions of children's books
where writing the story makes it so...)

Zi is beautiful, and we are completely in love and attached to her.
But, remember, we had her picture for three months before we met her
(not to mention the 4 years preceding that as we prepared for a
child). We had a lot of time to prepare ourselves for her entry into
our life. She, on the other hand, is not really attached to us yet.
As another mom here so elegantly said, she has become an expert in
self-soothing. That towel/pacifier is really what she is attached
to. It is what has been constant for her over the past 10 months.
Now, we fully expect that with time, she will become attached to us,
but this takes work -- and a building of her trust that we, unlike her
biological mother and unlike the nannies at the orphanage are trust
worthy. We will not abandon her. To do that, we have to parent her a
little differently than a securely attached child. This means we go
to her when she cries (immediately), and we try to soothe her. There
is no crying it out. More importantly, this means that for the first
few months, Charles and I need to be the only people who meet her
basic needs (feeding, bathing, clothing, diaper changes, nap time
rituals, etc). This means that we will not force her to be held by
anyone other than us (and right now she has no problems going to other
people, which may sound healthy, but what this indicates is that she
has no attachments to us -- yet), in fact, we probably won't leave the
room when someone else is holding her. This does not mean that we do
not want you to come visit or to hold her, we do. We just need to let
her learn in her own time that we are her parents now, that we are
worthy of her trust.

In additional to all of this, we expect that the first week home will
be pretty monstrous for her. A new home, a new room, a new dog (oh,
and she is terrified of dogs), a new language, a new family, a new
time zone, you name it. Her world is about to go full tilt. This may
help her to attach to us (we will be the one constant in the move), or
it may just send her spinning out of control. There is no way to know.

So, please come visit us (or, let's be honest, her), but don't be
surprised if I put you to work grocery shopping, doing laundry,
cleaning my house, cooking, etc instead of letting you bond with Zi.
It isn't personal. I'm just trying to help her attach to us as easily
as possible and without confusion about who is her mom and dad.

Ready to come home

We were talking to another family in the elevator, and the mother said
exactly what I feel: I love to travel, and I can't believe that I
feel this way, but I want to go home. Because everyone tells us not
to travel around the city without a guide, and because our guide is
really too busy, we are stuck on the island far too much. We are stir
crazy. So, I'm ready for Saturday! Not that the travel will be fun,
I'm sure, but I am ready to get home. I never have fallen in love
with China either. Maybe if we were in Beijing or Hong Kong, I'd like
it better, but Chinese culture is pretty aggressive and closed,
protective. I'm sure that is how it has survived so long. But it
doesn't make for a fun place to travel. I also can't say that I like
many of the other American families here. The one couple we really
like are not staying near us, so we haven't been able to see much of
them.

I guess I'm just hard to please. Maybe I'm aggressive and closed ...
who knows? But, today is Thursday. We leave Saturday. Our swearing/
oath ceremony is today at the US Consulate. We are close to the end.
I'm starting to exhale.

Red Couch Photos

Well, we are down to the point in the trip where we take the
traditional pictures on the White Swan "red couch." For those of you
who aren't fellow adoptive parents, the red couch photo is simply a
family photo taken on the red couches in the White Swan hotel.
Because so many adoptive families stay at the White Swan, the locals
call it the "baby hotel" and these pictures are, I guess, the
equivalent of taking a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
You stay at the White Swan, and you take pictures on their red-velour
couches. Usually, the adoptive parents dress their children in
traditional Chinese clothing.

But I'm so out of it, and unable to keep up with what to do when, that
I didn't even remember where we were going this morning when we met
our guide for what turned out to be our appointment for the photos.
Therefore, Zi is in American clothes, Charles and I did not dress
appropriately, and Charles didn't even shave this morning. He was not
particularly happy about it! Notice that Zi is not particularly happy
with being plopped down without us.

Oh well, here we are in all our unprepared glory! I guess this is
probably typical of new parents of a 10-month -old baby! Or at least
I hope so. I hope it isn't senility catching up with me!

Just more pics

I guess I am out of stuff to say. :) Maybe I'll figure out something
by tomorrow.

Instead, here are pictures of baby's first shoes and me with her.

Happy Birthday Charles!

Charles turns 39 today. Happy Birthday! What an amazing present:

Breakthrough #1

Yesterday was amazing. She's coming out of her shell. Finally. I
knew there was a curious little girl in there, but until yesterday,
she was pretty content to sit quietly in my arms and look from afar.
I'm also sure that we are just seeing the beginnings of her
personality, but she was a delight yesterday. I hate that I can't
send video to post yet (I've tried, and it doesn't seem to work).

She doesn't seem to be afraid of much. She was climbing over
everything, making head first dives from the bed to the floor, trying
to reach everything in sight to feel (and taste) it. It was all
really fun for us (and her?).

Today is back to cranky and tired, for all of us. Maybe we did too
much yesterday, I'm not sure. But we elected to skip the tour this
morning because she was not up for it. Finally, now, she is taking a
nap. Relief. We did a little shopping close to the hotel because we
can dart out at any second and get back to the room if we need to; we
are just trying to stay low key. I'm not sure yet if we have stuff to
do this afternoon or not. We need to call our guide and find out.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday's tour of Six Banyan Trees
temple (Buddhist), in the garden at the Chen Family Temple, and our
fun afternoon playing on the floor.

Out and about

So, of course, once I figure out one thing, I find that there are five
other things to figure out. We went off the island again yesterday
(into Guangzhou) to do a little shopping, which means carrying plenty
of supplies with us. That part, I've figured out. Plenty of pre-
mixed bottles, check. Warm water in a Thermos, check (btw, Thermos
are much improved since I was a child, they actually hold the
temperature for hours!). Diapers, wipes, pacifier/towel, check,
check, check.

I figured I had it all down. But, what I didn't consider is how
taking a baby who has been in an orphanage for her first 10 months
into a five-story shopping market with blinking lights and lots of
people, and then asking her to be patient while I decide what I want
(which she did beautifully) would tire her out! When we got back to
the hotel late yesterday afternoon, she was tired and cranky. I
finally gave in and put her to bed an hour early thinking I would have
an early morning today, but, I guess she was really tired after all.
She woke up this morning like a Swiss clock. 6:00 am sharp. She just
needed the extra hour.

All three of us have slight coughs, runny noses, and are generally
tired. The common cold. <Sigh> With the air quality around here, I
don't see how anyone is ever well. See picture from our hotel window:

What are they thinking?

So, two white people walking the streets of Guangzhou with a Chinese,
10-month-old baby has been an interesting experience.

Yesterday, we did some sightseeing: went to a great museum of ancient
artifacts and the tomb remains of the Nan-Yue King from the Western-
Han Dynasty (around 100 b.c.). There were all sorts of international
tour groups there, and so we had our first taste of interactions with
the outside world. Almost everyone smiles at her, but there is always
a strange moment when they look at us and it registers: they are
adopting this child. Obviously.

I don't know what they think. And while I'd love to say, I don't
care. But I do care, for Zi, for what her life will be like. We,
after all, going to live in Georgia. Not the most progressive place.
And, not with a high population of Asian people.

The beautiful irony, says the guidebook, of Shamain Island, is that it
was once occupied by France and England, who did not allow Chinese to
come to the Island. Now that the Chinese control it again, this is
where we (outsiders) come to adopt Chinese children. Is this the new
colonialism? I have to wonder...

So, we have been asking our guides what the attitudes of Chinese
people are toward American adoption of their children. And,
surprisingly, the two guides did not give us the same answers. One
said that it is difficult (and expensive) for Chinese to adopt the
children themselves. In what she said, I gathered that there are many
Chinese people who would like to adopt these children, but cannot.
And, as I (too frankly?) told the guide, that saddens me. The other
guide, though, said that things are getting easier for Chinese
families to adopt. That while the orphanage fee still has to be paid,
the government is allowing/encouraging more families here to adopt.
On the other hand, t is expected that the one-child policy will remain
in effect for the next twenty years.

As far as treatment on the streets, it is mixed (of course). Some
families talk to Zi, smile at her or us, and seem to react as if they
see it every day (which they probably do here in Guangzhou because all
foreign adopters must come here to get their American passports/
citizenships for the children). Others, though, are less friendly.
No one is openly hostile, but we are treated a little less cordially
than we were before we received her.

When we asked the guide what Chinese people thought of Americans,
generally, she said that until recently, they thought that all
traveling Americans must be rich to be able to visit China, but that
idea is changing. She says that it is generally thought that
Americans have more human rights and better health care. We were
quick to say that that those rights and privileges work on a sliding
scale. The richest people have the best health care and the most
rights. Rich people rarely find themselves in prisons (or if they do,
they go to the nicer ones: think Martha Stewart). She seemed
surprised we would say this, but then agreed that this is typical of
all human civilizations.

We are all people. Selfish, greedy, and in love with our children.

Better Days

Another full night of sleep. Ahhhhh

Zi did not have a fever yesterday. Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Feeling less incompetent every day. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Figuring out how to do this parenting thing

Well, like I said yesterday, Zi had a little bit of a fever, probably
from the vaccinations. That really just made her a little cranky and
tired, so we elected to skip our shopping trip and let her rest most
of the day. So, she took about four naps and still went to bed at
8:00 pm (which is supposedly an hour earlier than she was getting to
bed at the orphanage).

I tell that again because I think being a little bit sick also made
her a little more sensitive. And I'm pretty sure that she is
grieving. Now, all the literature says that she should/needs to
grieve. Grieving the loss of her nannies now means a little less
grieving later (at 14 when she hates me for other reasons). So, we
want her to grieve, even though it is painful to watch our baby cry
for something that we can't give her. Charles and I agreed to keep
reminding each other that her grieving means that she bonded with her
caretakers, and having formed bonds already makes it easier for her to
form bonds with us ... she already knows how. And, we reminded each
other of that several times yesterday.

When she is crying, she wants to be held with us standing. And
remember, she weighs almost 20 pounds, and I haven't been caring her
since she weighed 8 pounds, so my arms are weak but being whipped into
shape quickly.

All of that is to say that I went to sleep when she did last night
(with no dinner) and FINALLY slept through the night until 5:00 am
(now). I'm the one who hasn't been sleeping through the night (she
sleeps fine)! I hope that getting a nice long sleep will help me
fight off the rest of this cold. Being sick, tired, on the wrong time
zone, and generally pretty unsure of everything I'm doing makes for a
long day when Zi is not feeling well. I really don't know how single
parents do this. (Well, I think most of the ones adopting bring
someone with them to help, which was highly recommended, and I now see
why). Charles is an amazing parent. We both have our limits, and we
are trying hard to give each other rests when we need them. I can't
quite say that I'm figuring it all out, but slowly, with a lot of
trial and error, we seem to be making steps in that direction.

Yesterday afternoon we took her on a long walk around the island. For
those of you who don't know, our hotel, The White Swan, is on Shamian
Island, which is a little island surrounded by the Pearl River in
Guangzhou. The American Consulate is on this island and it is full of
adoptive parents and their babies. I'll talk more about the island
later...there is a lot to say there, but I want to shower before Zi
gets up at 6:00.

Here are a few shots from our walk yesterday. She loves the Baby Bjorn.

Just a few pictures

Zi had a low grade fever this morning (probably from a combination of
yesterday's vaccines and a little bit of a cold that she got from me),
so we hung out in the room all morning. The fever broke early this
afternoon. Here are just a few pictures from today.

Names, dates, and times

Yesterday was much much muchly more much easier than the day before.
What we learned from Tuesday was:

schedules are important
schedules are crucial
sleep is, well, part of the crucial schedule

I guess I might learn something about how to live my own life while
learning how to take care of a baby. Charles has always said that I
need to be fed and watered on schedule, and I know what the lack of
sleep does to me. So, it should be no surprise to me that when we
feed, water and nap Zi on a schedule that she knows, she is a
sweetheart. Yet, there it is. I learned it.

Now, to try to apply that to myself! Ha!

That is not to say that yesterday was perfect. She had to have a
medical exam which included vaccinations -- poor little thing! The
doctor said she has a heart murmur, which immediately made Charles
love her even more (have I mentioned that my husband is in love with a
Chinese girl?) because he also has a heart murmur. Here, though, is
the BIG news: she weighs 19.5 pounds and is 29.5 inches long!!! BIG
in many ways. The 9 month Carters clothing fits her perfectly, so she
is long and lean for an Asian baby and right in the middle of the pack
for American children.

We also learned (from one of our guides, Lily) that she has what is
known here as Queen's or Phoenix eyes (how perfect is that?). This
means that her eye shape is such that they rise on the outer edges
(like a traditional rendering of the Phoenix where the inner (nasal)
canthus is the head of the Phoenix and the outer canthus is the tail,
which is slightly higher than the head. These are considered highly
desirable or attractive. I can't say that I disagree with that!

We don't have any more "official" things to do until next week, so
tomorrow we are doing some shopping and taking it easy. While I still
would love the chance to go explore China a bit more, I now understand
what my friend Fliss said when she said that they did not explore
more...something about this trip makes you just want to sit in a room
and watch a baby! :)

After being here for almost a week, I've figured out that we have been
mispronouncing the name of her orphanage (Yangxi), and Yang is her
middle name. I've been saying it the way it looks to us, yang,
because that is how it is spelled, but it is actually more like
shyong, which is quite beautiful. I wish we could keep that too, but
I know that every English speaker in her life will pronounce it (with
that Southern twang) Yaaang. So I guess I'm okay without it. But
when I hear people call her a shyongshi (my phonetic spelling) girl, I
find it gorgeous. Maybe I'll call her that sometimes. I don't know.
I just think her whole name is poetic: zee shyong song. Now, there
is a difference in those two "o's" -- I'm not sure how to
differentiate it in English, though. Anyway. She has a pretty name.

oop -- she stirs. More later.

Whew!

So, day number two was not as easy as day one. But we expected that.
When I look at what we asked her to do yesterday, I'm surprised it was
not worse!

I keep trying to imagine this from her point of view:

On Monday morning, I woke up and my nannies backed me and many of my
sisters up and took me by bus (my first bus trip) 4 hours away. We
went from our beautiful little small, rural town to this big, loud
city called Guangzhou. There the air was dirty, there were cars
jammed into every road, and more people rushes along the sidewalks
than I knew existed.

I was taken to this cold building and into a loud room where lots of
strange looking people who talk funny stood around with nervous
looks. Then, one by one, my sisters and I were given to these
strangers! My nanny pointed to this man and woman and said that they
were my mommy and daddy, but I have never seen them before and I don't
understand the noises they make. They even smell funny! But, I left
with them. We got into a van and drove away from my nannies.

They took me to another cold building, and we played together. It
was fun, but I wonder when my nannies will come and get me. I went to
sleep in a strange wooden crib in a strange room with strange people.

This morning, I woke up in the same strange room. I ate breakfast in
the room, and then the couple took me to a big open place where many
of those strange couples sat around eating. After their breakfast, we
went back to the same building I was in yesterday when I met this
couple, and my nannies were there, but they didn't take me back.
Instead, they said goodbye to me.

Then my new family took me to a huge shopping mall, I've never seen
so many people and products and flashing lights. By the time we got
back to the strange wooden crib, I was tired and hungry, and pretty
unsure of why I had to be with these new people! Who are they? What
happened to my nannies? Did they abandon me like my mother did? Will
my new mom and dad abandon me next?

We are lucky, lucky, lucky

Charles is famous for saying he has bad luck. And with the opening of
this trip, I was inclined to agree with him. But, now I know
differently.

Cara said that Zi would be an angel, and, of course, Cara was right.
She is not an angel because she is some heavenly creature or because
she is perfect; she is an angel because she is honest. When she is in
pain or hungry, she cries. When something delights her, she laughs.
When she wants to be held, she turns to me with her arms open, when
she wants down, she wriggles away. At first I thought maybe language
was where we learned to lie...and maybe that is still the case, but
when I offer her something and she shakes her head yes or no, that is
a kind of language, right? So, language cannot be the root
"problem" (now, that assumes that dishonesty is a problem, which it
may not be. Maybe I can return to that one as she learns to lie).

It seems to me that her real honesty comes from not being aware of any
else's feelings. She doesn't know, care, or wonder if I am tired or
hungry. Not yet. Soon she will figure out that when I am rested and
happy, she gets treated better, and she will learn to use that to her
own advantage: she will learn to please me to get what she wants.
But after only a few hours of parenting experience, I am fascinated by
the beauty of her lack of people pleasing.

What Cara meant (I think) when she said that Zi would be an angel is
this period in her development is blameless, understandable,
beautiful-- this few weeks or months when her motives are simple and
clear: feed me, change me, keep me warm, help me not to hurt, give me
a safe place to sleep. For all the talk about the horrors of
orphanage (or group) care, they did all of these things for her, and
while she may need a bit more individual attention if she is to become
the Nobel Prize winner we expect (I am kidding, --mostly), she is an
angel, of sorts.

Or at least, from this vantage point where she has been sleeping
soundly for six and a half hours, she looks like one. And for that, I
feel lucky.

First Day Together

Well, Zi just fell asleep.

We had a wonderful first day together with (really) very few issues.
She is teething, and sometimes cranky because of it, but she laughs
easily, enjoyed a bedtime book, and was honestly better (both in
health and temperament) than we expected.

We are, however, pretty darn tired. So, on to the photos, which is
what you all want!

Only a few hours left

Well, we are down to 7 hours!!!

Here are a few photos of the waiting room! Crib to be used very
soon. Formula to be mixed too! :)

White Swan

Things are going a little better now, although, I seem to have a sore
throat and a tiny cough. The smog is not nearly as bad as it was in
Beijing, but it is still pretty smoggy. We did, though, see a bit of
sky yesterday (both literally and metaphorically). The White Swan
hotel is much nicer than the place we stayed in Beijing, and there are
lots of families running around that look like us (white adults with
Chinese children). I have to buy batteries for the still camera today
so that I can start posting pictures. The video camera is taking nice
movies, but I'm having trouble posting them via email. We will be
here for another 12 days, and I must admit, it is (right now) okay
with me that we don't get on another airplane for a while. Here's
what we've traveled since the 13th:

Atlanta to Chicago: 710 miles
Chicago to Hong Kong: 7,793 miles
Hong Kong to Beijing: 1,225 miles
Beijing to Guangzhou: 1,173 miles

By the way, all of these posts are submitted via email because I can't
log into blogger from China. That means I can't read any post/
messages that you guys put up there (but put them up anyway, I'll
enjoy reading them when I get back). If you need to tell me
something, send me an email: perrykat@me.com

We get to meet Zi today at 2:30 pm (which is 2:30 am Georgia time and
1:30 am Alabama time). We go to the bank this morning at 9:00 to
exchange our orphanage donation from dollars to Yuan, and then, I
think, we will make a shopping run (more stuff for Zi --and camera
batteries than souvenirs). Then, the big moment.

I promise to get some sort of photos soon.

Looking for the sunshine

I've never seen or felt so much smog in my life! I can't believe they
were able to hold an Olympic Games here in Beijing. When I got out of
the airport, my lungs began to revolt immediately. Bravo Michael
Phelps for swimming like a fish in this air!

But, today is a new day. I can't say I'm much in love with China, but
there is a little girl here who I expect I will love so much that none
of this smog (and travel blunders) will matter much. The plus side:
the food is darn good.

We are up and moving back toward the airport and looking forward to
being in one place for a few weeks. The best news of the day... one
more day until we get Zi.

God, I can't wait.

Zi, we are heading for your province!!!

Thanks, friends and family, to all the well wishes, chin-up emails,
and your love.

testing number 2

Well, let's see if this works.

So far the trip has been pretty bad. A 5 hour delay in Chicago meant
that we missed our flight to Beijing. So we spent the night in Hong
Kong and caught an early flight out Saturday morning. When we reached
Beijing, our guides did not come and get us, so we ended up missing
all of the tours of the Great Wall, Forbidden City, etc. So,
basically we flew all the way to Beijing for nothing because we leave
the hotel tomorrow (Sunday) morning at 5:20 am.

Oh well. It is just time and money.

Heading to Guangzhou in the morning (early).

Countdown: 3 Days

Well, I've had a wonderful roller coaster ride.

I love roller coasters.

When I left Montgomery on Friday, April 30th, I cried for two days.  Even though it is only a leave of absence, and I may go back to work there in 14 months, it still felt like the end of a huge chapter of my life:  the childless, career woman is now gone.  The woman who could spend all her extra time working on poems, giving her time to her college, even grading papers, no longer exists.  And I must admit, I mourned the loss of that life.  I worked hard to get my higher degrees and my first academic job, and turning in the keys to my office really hit me hard.  I cried for two days.

And yet, there is the beginning of a new chapter:  a child, a reunion of my life with Charles (without 200 miles between us), motherhood, adoption, and time (without students) to spend with my daughter.  This is electric.  My body sings.  (Thanks to Whitman for the metaphors).

Today I am buzzing with excitement.  Today I am ready to finish the few things (judging a poetry contest, sending off a conference paper, mailing my check for Wellfleet) that still hover from the old life so that on Thursday I can fly off into the sunrise to begin my new life.

I'm not without regrets for the old life.  And, I as promised, I cannot gloss that over.  To gain Zi is to let go of something else.  But I also see that there is something new -- something worth celebrating in my future.  This is how it should be.

I watched The Men Who Stare at Goats last night.  The George Clooney character says:

Bob, have you ever heard of optimum trajectory? Your life is like a river and if you are aiming for a goal that is not your destiny, you will always be swimming against the current. Young guy who wants to be a stock car driver -- it's not going to happen. Little Anne Frank wants to be a high school teacher -- tough titty Anne, it's not your destiny. But you will go on to move the hearts and minds of millions. Find out what your destiny is and the river will carry you.

            - Lyn Cassady, The Men Who Stare at Goats

I like this.  Here is one thing I found last summer:  As soon as Charles and I agreed that he would move to Montgomery (and we stopped fighting it and about it), the universe opened up, and the world changed.  Now, I feel like I am being carried.  Thank you old man river.