Full moon

I watched the moon rise over the smoky mountains in the national park just outside of Gatlinburg, Tennessee tonight. I realized that, on a lunar calendar, that was the beginning of a new year. (I think).

Anyway, even though some great things happened last year, I'm ready for a new one.

For now, I'm sleeping in the mountains. A beagle sleeps at my toes.


Two minutes until 38.

Living in the now

I'm working on living in the present.

Interestingly, this is monumental and extremely difficult. I've spent all of my life preparing for things: leaving home, college, graduations, marriage, new job, next.... whatever.

I am working on now.

Amazing how something so simple is so hard.

roots of bah-humbug

Are there really adults who like Christmas? Really?

I mean, I understand it for children, and maybe the parents of those children, who believe in Santa Claus. Especially those families that can actually afford to buy the gifts that their children ask for.

But I wasn't very old when I noticed that Santa's handwriting looked like my dad's handwriting. And that, I thought, explained why Santa didn't ever bring the exact present I wanted. And I was still pre-teen when I realized I couldn't buy the gifts that I wanted to give because money was needed to buy such gifts.

It would be several more years before my parents separated and my father would come over on Christmas morning so that we could be with him too. That was awkward. Then when they divorced, I had to split myself into two "Christmas morning" celebrations: one at mom's and one at dad's.

If you take all of that, and add a marriage, in-laws, extended families, the loss of my religion, and the general static of Christmas, it is no wonder that I am not a fan of the holiday. Yet I do wonder, how is it so different from, say, Easter. Why do I feel a pressure to celebrate it?

Here are a few things I am telling myself this year:
1) I am extremely weather affected. Two days from today is the shortest day of the year. Darkness at 5:00 pm is not easy for me. Neither is the 30-40 degree temperature.

2) It is nice to have things. But money is a burden, whether you have it or not. Having lived in both the have and have not, I can agree that a holiday so firmly rooted in consumption and spending money is bound to cause me to be a little upset.

3)And I found this little nugget on a website called Wing of Madness:

It's that everyone you know (and even strangers and TV commercials) is telling you how much you should be enjoying this time of year. Even if they're at the end of their rope trying to get everything done, they will be telling you what a downer you're being. You know you should be happy and having fun. No one has to tell you. But they do anyway, and you just want to slug them and burst out crying at the same time. Yes, they "mean well." But they're not making things any easier for you.

The good news is I'm not depressed. I just don't like Christmas. I do wonder how many people excuse their dis-like for a holiday that we are expected to love with the word "depression." Not that there aren't real people with real depression at Christmas. I just think that even though I'm not depressed, I will still give myself permission to:

1) not put up a tree and lights
2) buy all gift cards rather than gifts
3) skip the family get together
4) celebrate my own birthday instead of Jesus's

Bah Humbug One and All! :)

Treasures from NC

1) People (and animals) are the only important things in our lives. Everything else fades.

2) Act from place that assumes love: my partner loves me and would never intend to hurt me.

3) Cut the noise out of life.

4) Share.

5) Be easy.

The thing about xmas

I've been shopping, addressing cards, pulling out storage boxes full of lights and stockings, and looking at the space where we sometimes put a tree. Every year, I have the same conversations with myself. This year, I'd like to let you eavesdrop. They sound something like this:

1) As a non-Christian, what am I decorating my house? The tree and lights come from pagan rituals to ward off evil spirits (and renew the sun god) on the shortest day of the year (solstice). I like the tree and the lights.

2) We don't have children, so we don't have to ask ourselves too much about Santa Claus. But every year I worry and fret about what to buy people, and then I end up asking myself, why do I do this? I believe in giving -- but really, I should give all year round. Is it possible that I allow the holiday season to excuse my selfishness for the rest of the year?

3) The final question in number two leads me to this one. Do I "allow" myself to let communications slip between myself and long distance friends because I know that I will send my annual greeting during the holidays? Would I communicate more if I didn't know I was sending a card every Christmas?

4) Why can't I just say no? No, I don't want to get together with you at Christmas. No, I don't want to swap gifts. No, I don't believe in your god. No, I will no longer participate in the buying of cheap plastic crap under the lie of "peace, love, and good will." The truth is: this is a holiday for consumers. I like to buy things. So, I buy them. Why do I keep saying it is for some noble cause?


5) Here is a cool little list of facts that shows me how new (and commercial) the holiday is: From History.com

drunkenness

For the past 15 months, I have been learning how my body reacts to the chemicals in food and drink that most people (at least in America) seem to handle easily. Even though alcoholism seems to be rampant in my family, I am not an alcoholic (right A?). On the other hand, I do have an addictive personality. C and I once sold our play station because I would stay up all night (literally) trying to beat a new game. In the same vein, I seem to have strong reactions to certain foods. Caffeine keeps me awake at night, but makes me full of energy. Wheat gluten makes my stomach hurt, but I crave pastas and breads more than any other foods. And sugar, well, it is my bourbon.

So yesterday, I was invited to try tea at the Ritz-Carlton:



And it was not a lot of blue-haired women in white gloves. It was delightful. But I had lots of sugar, flour, and caffeine. Dangerous. I left with such elation that even a Bikram class only brought me down half way. It took some solid protein to level me back out.

I have two points here: 1) try tea at the Ritz and 2) my body is a complicated chemical mess. Any shift in the intake, and I'm haywire.

It is interesting to discover your body at such at late stage in life. It makes me wonder about many things.

The photo at the top is the tea service. In addition to the dessert tray you see there, we added the sandwich plates and vanilla bean black tea. Heavenly.

ease and direction

I just woke up (9:00am). Well, I woke up earlier, got up, fed the dog, and went back to sleep. Now I'm awake, but I'm still in bed.

I have some errands to run today (oil change, anyone?), and I need to clean up my filthy house. But, I don't have a single student or paper to face. That feels nice. Easy.

And then there is tonight's activity: In case you don't know, or forgot. The Golden Compass begins today. OH yeah -- life is sweet!

our bodies, like cars

or I treat mine that way sometimes (no wash, no wax, no oil change)

The funny thing about my body, though, is that when I run it hard for a few weeks, I don't really stop when I pull up into the garage. I mean the car stops, but the engine keeps buzzing.

That's how I feel today. I just turned in my last set of grades. I'm done.

And while I want to fall over into bed and sleep for a few days, my brain wants to start making syllabi for next semester. It's like the pedal is stuck. I'm off -- for FIVE WEEKS. Relax. But the engine keeps right on going.

My initial analysis of my first semester as a tenure-track professor:
1) Being adjunct sucked. I like being the "real thing," whatever that means.
2) Students are lazy bastards (most of them), and they don't deserve all of the bumping up of grades that I did.
3) Students don't understand research, the importance of logic, or attention to detail.
4) I cannot change certain things about students no matter how hard I try.
5) I like teaching.
6) I do not like Montgomery, Alabama.
7) Prioritizing my life is difficult and necessary.
8) Teaching at a religious affiliated school poses problems for me professionally and personally.
9) Teaching at a liberal arts college is cool.
10) The academic calendar is a good one.


Oh, yea, the car metaphor: I'm running on empty. I need an oil change. I haven't been washed since the drought started this summer. I need to be vacuumed. I'm starting to smell funny. Radio still working fine!

Those are all true of my actual car as well as me as a car.

One week

This is finals week. Next week I should be able to blog more often.

Sorry.