the duck reaction

Ginger and Allison passed on lots of great toys to Zi from Connor and Sydney (notice the rocking horse in the background).  Her favorite is this push duck that Grandma Jenny picked out for Connor.

The perfect onesie

When I saw this onesie, I immediately thought of one of Zi's Yangxi sisters, Shauna, and we sent her one for her first birthday.  But, of course, I needed one for Zi too.

While some days are challenging, Zi is one of the very best things in my entire life.  It took a long time and a lot of heartache to get her, but man, she was worth it.  Even when she is in full blown:

Video of Zi in Wellfleet, MA

I know that these HD videos run over into the sidebar, so if you'd prefer, you can go to YouTube and watch them.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpiEELT_Uzw

Sugar Highs

We had a wonderful whirlwind tour of Alabama this past weekend.  On Thursday, Zi and I went to Auburn and Montgomery to see some of my friends:

On Friday, Zi met my mother's family and ate birthday cake:

Then we drove to Pensacola and picked up Charles.  On Saturday morning we visited Ang, Buddy & Sylvia and Jordan, and then went for a walk on the Fairhope Pier:

Saturday afternoon we had a grand-slam birthday celebration with the Perry family:

She is sleeping a little more than normal today.  I wonder, why?  :)

Bad Mother

The best book that I read before going to get Zi in China was Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman.  The subtitle is:  A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace.

I really enjoyed it when I was reading it, and now that I am taking care of Zi, it is proving to be the very best parenting book that I read.  As you could probably tell, the last few days were pretty tough.  To add to my misery, my workaholic husband has not been able to get home in time for me to go to yoga either.  Most of the world knows how badly I need my yoga classes...but I digress.

The worst thing that happened yesterday was that Zi fell off the bed (which, of course, I put her on and then turned away to grab something out of a drawer).  She doesn't seem to have any permanent damage (not even a bruise really) and there was no blood.  She just cried really hard and I felt like I was in contention for worst mom of the year.  Amazingly, several of my friends and family emailed me or called me and told me their own horror stories.  This is what Waldman does in her book too...she talks about the horror stories.  We all have moments when we dump the stroller onto the sidewalk, throw the baby in the play yard and walk away, make a drink too early in the afternoon, or, as I did, let a baby fall four feet from the bed to the ground.

Waldman's thesis is that in our contemporary over nurturing culture (Nurture Shock is another excellent book and is about the harm we do to our children when we put them in bubbles), we have set mothers up as either sinners or saints (think about reality tv shows, the buzz over Britney Spears mothering, or just simply the pressure to be the perfect parent).  She talks about public reaction to her comment while on Oprah that she loves her husband more than her kids (she was repeatedly called bad/unfit/irresponsible).  She argues that we can love our spouses more (after all, we are stuck with them after the kids leave) and that we need to stop pretending that we don't make mistakes.  We do.  Sometimes, we walk away from a bed with a baby in it.  Sometimes we blog when letting her play by herself (as I am doing now).

To achieve this, she claims, we need to stop calling ourselves and other mothers (again, read Spears driving with her kid in her lap) "BAD MOTHERS" when they make mistakes.  We need to recognize that everyone is doing the best that they can.

I need to recognize that in myself.

Here is Zi's reaction to my attempt to blog (this was taken by the computer camera -- watch her hand at the beginning trying to pry mine off of her so that she can get to the computer):

Long Day

Today has been long and hard.  Thank goodness she is cute and sometimes looks up and me and smiles.  Otherwise, I might not make it through a day like today.  I can't even get in touch with C to see if I can go to yoga tonight.  And, boy, do I need it.

Still, I took pictures of her.  I think if you've been looking at a lot of her pictures, you'll see the crankiness in her in these, although, she still photographs well, even when she is mad at the world.  The crankiness is probably from the vaccinations she got yesterday; I sure hope so.  I hope she is better tomorrow.

So, when I'm in need of some peace and zen, I like to cook/chop veggies.  So, tonight will be a from scratch (except the gluten free pasta, which I don't attempt) eggplant lasagna and a roasted chicken  (French   recipe).  Both new recipes for me.  I tasted the lasagna and it was good.  We'll see about the chicken.

Zi was not happy about my chopping.  But, she survived.

My friend Cara says to lower my expectations.  When I say we both survived the day, that, she says, is saying thar we had a good day.  I like this approach to judging my parenting skills.

I'm really not complaining...

I'm not, I love every moment with my daughter.  But there are some things that I've noticed that bother me. Mostly, those things boil down to the difference between what people tell you and reality.  Let's start with this one:

Do things when she does them:  eat when she eats, sleep when she sleeps, ...

Okay, so I can't really take a "crap" (I'm cleaning this up for the web version) when she does, now can I?  And, when does she have a glass of wine, or blog, or wash clothes, or do yoga, or work, or write, or check her email, or ... you get the idea.  If it is okay with me that my life be reduced to the life of an eleven-month old, then this advice is fine.  But, if I choose that life, someone will have to come take care of me too.  So, STOP TELLING ME THIS.  It just doesn't quite work that way.

This is 2010, no one will even notice that she's Asian and you're not.

Really?  What world do you live in?  You are only correct in one way:  no one actually says anything, that's the way racism works in the South.  But people look and look again.  They want to say something (even if it is just to comment positively) and that is different from the reactions of people to children who look like their parents.  Now, I'm not suggesting that we aren't a conspicuous family now, in fact, I'm suggesting that we are conspicuous and to tell me that no one notices is ridiculous.  She is Asian, I am white.  We look different from other families.  People DO notice.  Sometimes they even say things about it.  And as she grows up, people will say things TO HER about it.  They will call her names, they will shun her, make fun of her, and sometimes favor her for it.  To pretend otherwise is to bury our heads in the sand.


On the other hand, there is this. And OH, how I love this:

  

Somebody get me a neck brace!

We are teething (well, Zi is, which means I'm dealing with the repercussions of those little boogers!).  This means yesterday was a tough one.  By the time I passed her off to Charles and went running to yoga, I was sure that I was not cut out to be a parent.  Yoga helps everything.  In addition, when I got home, Charles was frustrated too, so at that point I knew it wasn't just me:  she was being difficult.  So, that was yesterday.  You can't tell from yesterday's photos, of course, that there was any problem:

Today, I went to visit a potential day care, and it made me a little sad.  I might have whiplash from how fast my moods change.  Hers change even more rapidly.

Trying to lose my own neuroses...

...while parenting, sometimes makes me laugh at myself.  It is either laugh or make another appointment with my therapist.

So, because my child is Velcro right now (and I'm that easy-to-cling-to stuff), I took her with me to the bathroom this morning.  To keep her entertained while I did my business, I pulled out two Rolling Stone magazines and handed one to her while I looked through the other.  Nice photographs of Robert Downey, Jr., I was thinking when she reached up and started looking at mine instead of hers.  Now, probably because of the thoughts I was having, I thought, wait a minute, I shouldn't be letting her look at Rolling Stone!

Then I had to stop myself.  I'm proud that all of the televisions in our house have been off when she is awake, that I stay away from the computer when she's with me, and that I trying hard to watch my language around her (I'm not always successful on this one).  But, really?  Isn't this thought about a magazine going too far?  She can't enjoy a photograph of Robert Downey, Jr. too?  I don't want to "put her in a bubble" (this is Charles' metaphor for 90% of the currently in-vogue parenting where people all but wrap their children in bubble wrap to protect them from EVERYTHING).  I want her to explore her world.  The REAL world.

Yet, when Charles let her play on the stairs this weekend, I must admit, I was very upset.  It seems too easy for him when he only keeps her alone a few hours (tops) alone each day to "play" on the stairs while I'm alone with her all day, and I don't really want her to see the stairs as "fun" just yet.  But, isn't this reaction, just like the one with the Rolling Stone a bit over-dramatic?

I think so.  I am trying to relax because I really don't want to raise a neurotic child.  I want her to enjoy exploring and all that exploring includes (and that means quite a few falls, downs on the other side of every up, and, I hope, less fear of the world --or at least realistic fears instead of supercharged fears).  I'm not worried about germs, and I watch the horrified looks on the faces around me when I pick up her washcloths from the floor and let her put them in her mouth.  The world is a dirty place.  She lives in the world.

But I watch and listen to other parents (in Babies R Us, on Facebook, wherever I run into them), and I think that I HAVE to lighten up.  I don't want to raise THAT kind of child.  So what if she thinks Downey is hot?  I do.  So what if she wants to play on the stairs (well, I'll try to keep that from happening a few more years--I mean, she isn't even walking yet), I did when I was little.  So what if a toy from the floor goes into her mouth.  She will build anti-bodies.

But, it isn't always easy.  My initial reactions are sometimes strong and go against this philosophy.  And, really, when it gets down to the heart of this question, I'll bet she didn't even notice Downey at all.  I'll bet she thought...what a pretty blue color on his shirt.

Cuss this is hard!

Okay, so I love this child more than I thought humanly possible, but parenting is NOT for sissies!  Jebbo says that it takes one day for every hour of time difference to adjust when traveling (I don't want to even think about how I lived in two time zones for 8 years and why that was so exhausting), so that means it should take us 12 days to adjust to getting home from China.  And, when I think about it -- look back at my posts for proof -- that is about how long it took me to start sleeping through the night when we were there.

So, today is day 6, by next Thursday, we should be back on our sleep schedule.

That will not be a moment too soon.  Last night she slept from 10-4 (I slept from 12-4) and then again this morning from 8-11:30 (I slept from 9-11:30).  She's asleep again now, 3-4:30 (I'm not sleeping).  That still leaves her with a 2 hour deficit (me too), which partly explains why she needs me to not only hold her at every moment, but to move around.  It isn't good enough for me to sit and hold her.  And, I tell you, her 20 pounds is nothing to scoff at!

So, I'm tired.  But, I took a yoga class last night, and that helped me to sleep soundly.  I'm taking another one tonight.  Then tomorrow, Ang is coming to visit, so I'll let her carry the 20 pounds for a while.  :)

I'm glad to be getting 6 hours of sleep.  Running on 2-3 hours those first few days was not only hard, but probably not safe ... there were several moments when I thought I might nod off while holding her on couches or other places she could fall from.  But, getting back to 8 hours will be nice.  The interesting thing has been how well I have been functioning on such little sleep.  It's like my body hit some kind of hormonal overdrive.  Weird stuff.

Anyway.  The weekend is almost here, so Charles and Ang can help me out over the weekend, maybe I can get a little extra sleep.

In the mean time, I am surviving, and enjoying watching her open up to us.  She is teething too.  Her first bottom tooth (on her right) is through the gum and the top left one is peeking through today.  This probably adds to her discomfort.  Poor baby.

More soon.

Um...what time is it?

So, now that we've been home for 26 hours, I'm trying to figure this whole thing out.  When does a parent have time to shower, eat, have sex, oh, yes, and sleep?  :)

Here's to jet lag...

Yes, I'm completely exhausted, Zi had a pretty good day considering that yesterday she traveled for 30 hours straight, moved country, became a US citizen, moved into a new house, gained a pet dog, met her paternal grandparents and Aunt Lisa, and found herself on a 12 hour time difference.  But, of course, if you don't consider that, she was pretty cranky today.  Charles and I slept in shifts, which means, I slept from about midnight to 3:30 am and then again from 1:00 pm to 5:45 pm.  Here it is 1:30 am, and I'm still awake.  Typing.

I need to go to sleep, I know.  But, I am maybe too tired?  I feel too much like it is 1:30 pm?  I'm not sure.

I think I have too many things rattling around that I want to talk about... immigration, the lack of 24 hour grocery stores, food, car seats, differences between China and USA, even the absolute magic of being married to someone who is really a wonderful partner and father.  I should start there, but I think I want to capture how I felt last night when we got back to the USA...I might forget it if I don't get it down...

So, we land in Chicago, and I'm elated.  Once we go through immigration, Zi will be an official US citizen.  But there are two lines.  One for "visitors" and one for "citizens."  She is neither, and they told us in China to take her through the visitor line, so with the other adoptive families, we stood in that line.  Mostly this line consisted of non-white peoples... one or two Canadian or European families, but mostly Asian (we had just come off a flight from Beijing).  This line moved very slowly.  The other line, for citizens, was full of white people and moving quickly.  We only had about a two hour layover, so one by one, the adoptive families abandoned the "visitor" line and went to the fast moving line (which actually turned out to be the right line for us).  But what struck me was the attitudes.  The visitor line was anxious, and when we moved over to the citizen line, everyone was all smiles.  People were happy to be "home."  I wondered, why I found myself aggravated with the slow moving line.  Why was I feeling like we should get this show moving?  Why did I feel like I could just switch lines?

Flashback...When we took off from Beijing, we were searched just before we boarded the plane and were not allowed to bring any water on with us.  Any other time, I would have been annoyed, but I would not have cared much.  But here I was with a 10-month old baby, a ziplock full of powdered formula, and no water for a 14 hour flight.  When I told the officer (In English) that the water was for the baby, he said, "This is not your country" (Also in English) and promptly threw my water bottles into the trash.  I was enraged.  But, of course, silent.

Then I asked myself, why am I angry?  Why do I think I can take water on the plane?  Why do I think I can just switch lines?  How can I complain about my students' entitlement when I have the same feelings of self importance?

This did not really sink in until we were in our big nice car, driving to our big nice house, down huge 6 lane roads with no trash on them, through clean smog-free air, with our nice comfortable (and safe) car seat for a baby we just traveled to the other side of the world to get.

Damn, we are rich, wealthy, lucky, easy, free...

Our guide, Kelly, told us that her parents raised their four children in 600 square feet.  They managed to send all four of their daughters to college.  Kelly speaks 3 languages, has an excellent job, and is pregnant with her second child which her government forbids her to have because she is only supposed to have one.  When she has the baby, she will be charged over $35,000 for breaking the one child rule.  And that is just the official fine.  She and her husband will be punished socially as well.  Social taboos are sometimes the most difficult to deal with.

This is how babies like Zi end up in orphanages.  This is why I can move lines, why most of the world eats up American culture and still hates it simultaneously.  I've never felt so privileged in my life.  And, I'm not sure I like the cost of my privilege to other people waiting in other lines, living in cramped quarters, all over the world.

All complete and attachment

So, we did the "swearing in" oath yesterday at the US Consulate. Once
she lands on US soil, she will be an American citizen. All we have to
do when we get back is a simple court procedure to re-adopt her
there...this will give her an American birth certificate with our
names on it. Having this will both give her parents of record
(remember, she was abandoned here -- more on that in a later post-- so
she has no listed parents on her Chinese paperwork, only an orphanage)
and it will make her life easier in the US (think of all the things we
need birth certificates for...school enrollments, marriage, adoption
paperwork, etc). So, the paper chase is really over! I even had an
emotional moment when we did the swearing in ceremony (usually, an
adult would swear for herself, but as she is pre-verbal, and we are
the ones who actually applied for her citizenship, we did it for
her). I suppose there are some moments when I really am happy to be
American. Now she is an American too. (Don't worry, I am slightly
conflicted about this -- I really wish the Chinese government allowed
her to have dual citizenship, but alas, this is not an option).

So, today we prepare to come home.

And in doing so, I'd like to prepare you all (okay, y'all) for her
arrival. I guess this is my first real experience with being a momma
bear, and the protective instincts are already alive and well. In
addition, it is good for me to write things out...it makes them take
shape both in my head an in my life (see millions of children's books
where writing the story makes it so...)

Zi is beautiful, and we are completely in love and attached to her.
But, remember, we had her picture for three months before we met her
(not to mention the 4 years preceding that as we prepared for a
child). We had a lot of time to prepare ourselves for her entry into
our life. She, on the other hand, is not really attached to us yet.
As another mom here so elegantly said, she has become an expert in
self-soothing. That towel/pacifier is really what she is attached
to. It is what has been constant for her over the past 10 months.
Now, we fully expect that with time, she will become attached to us,
but this takes work -- and a building of her trust that we, unlike her
biological mother and unlike the nannies at the orphanage are trust
worthy. We will not abandon her. To do that, we have to parent her a
little differently than a securely attached child. This means we go
to her when she cries (immediately), and we try to soothe her. There
is no crying it out. More importantly, this means that for the first
few months, Charles and I need to be the only people who meet her
basic needs (feeding, bathing, clothing, diaper changes, nap time
rituals, etc). This means that we will not force her to be held by
anyone other than us (and right now she has no problems going to other
people, which may sound healthy, but what this indicates is that she
has no attachments to us -- yet), in fact, we probably won't leave the
room when someone else is holding her. This does not mean that we do
not want you to come visit or to hold her, we do. We just need to let
her learn in her own time that we are her parents now, that we are
worthy of her trust.

In additional to all of this, we expect that the first week home will
be pretty monstrous for her. A new home, a new room, a new dog (oh,
and she is terrified of dogs), a new language, a new family, a new
time zone, you name it. Her world is about to go full tilt. This may
help her to attach to us (we will be the one constant in the move), or
it may just send her spinning out of control. There is no way to know.

So, please come visit us (or, let's be honest, her), but don't be
surprised if I put you to work grocery shopping, doing laundry,
cleaning my house, cooking, etc instead of letting you bond with Zi.
It isn't personal. I'm just trying to help her attach to us as easily
as possible and without confusion about who is her mom and dad.

Ready to come home

We were talking to another family in the elevator, and the mother said
exactly what I feel: I love to travel, and I can't believe that I
feel this way, but I want to go home. Because everyone tells us not
to travel around the city without a guide, and because our guide is
really too busy, we are stuck on the island far too much. We are stir
crazy. So, I'm ready for Saturday! Not that the travel will be fun,
I'm sure, but I am ready to get home. I never have fallen in love
with China either. Maybe if we were in Beijing or Hong Kong, I'd like
it better, but Chinese culture is pretty aggressive and closed,
protective. I'm sure that is how it has survived so long. But it
doesn't make for a fun place to travel. I also can't say that I like
many of the other American families here. The one couple we really
like are not staying near us, so we haven't been able to see much of
them.

I guess I'm just hard to please. Maybe I'm aggressive and closed ...
who knows? But, today is Thursday. We leave Saturday. Our swearing/
oath ceremony is today at the US Consulate. We are close to the end.
I'm starting to exhale.

Red Couch Photos

Well, we are down to the point in the trip where we take the
traditional pictures on the White Swan "red couch." For those of you
who aren't fellow adoptive parents, the red couch photo is simply a
family photo taken on the red couches in the White Swan hotel.
Because so many adoptive families stay at the White Swan, the locals
call it the "baby hotel" and these pictures are, I guess, the
equivalent of taking a picture in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
You stay at the White Swan, and you take pictures on their red-velour
couches. Usually, the adoptive parents dress their children in
traditional Chinese clothing.

But I'm so out of it, and unable to keep up with what to do when, that
I didn't even remember where we were going this morning when we met
our guide for what turned out to be our appointment for the photos.
Therefore, Zi is in American clothes, Charles and I did not dress
appropriately, and Charles didn't even shave this morning. He was not
particularly happy about it! Notice that Zi is not particularly happy
with being plopped down without us.

Oh well, here we are in all our unprepared glory! I guess this is
probably typical of new parents of a 10-month -old baby! Or at least
I hope so. I hope it isn't senility catching up with me!

Just more pics

I guess I am out of stuff to say. :) Maybe I'll figure out something
by tomorrow.

Instead, here are pictures of baby's first shoes and me with her.

Happy Birthday Charles!

Charles turns 39 today. Happy Birthday! What an amazing present:

Breakthrough #1

Yesterday was amazing. She's coming out of her shell. Finally. I
knew there was a curious little girl in there, but until yesterday,
she was pretty content to sit quietly in my arms and look from afar.
I'm also sure that we are just seeing the beginnings of her
personality, but she was a delight yesterday. I hate that I can't
send video to post yet (I've tried, and it doesn't seem to work).

She doesn't seem to be afraid of much. She was climbing over
everything, making head first dives from the bed to the floor, trying
to reach everything in sight to feel (and taste) it. It was all
really fun for us (and her?).

Today is back to cranky and tired, for all of us. Maybe we did too
much yesterday, I'm not sure. But we elected to skip the tour this
morning because she was not up for it. Finally, now, she is taking a
nap. Relief. We did a little shopping close to the hotel because we
can dart out at any second and get back to the room if we need to; we
are just trying to stay low key. I'm not sure yet if we have stuff to
do this afternoon or not. We need to call our guide and find out.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday's tour of Six Banyan Trees
temple (Buddhist), in the garden at the Chen Family Temple, and our
fun afternoon playing on the floor.

Out and about

So, of course, once I figure out one thing, I find that there are five
other things to figure out. We went off the island again yesterday
(into Guangzhou) to do a little shopping, which means carrying plenty
of supplies with us. That part, I've figured out. Plenty of pre-
mixed bottles, check. Warm water in a Thermos, check (btw, Thermos
are much improved since I was a child, they actually hold the
temperature for hours!). Diapers, wipes, pacifier/towel, check,
check, check.

I figured I had it all down. But, what I didn't consider is how
taking a baby who has been in an orphanage for her first 10 months
into a five-story shopping market with blinking lights and lots of
people, and then asking her to be patient while I decide what I want
(which she did beautifully) would tire her out! When we got back to
the hotel late yesterday afternoon, she was tired and cranky. I
finally gave in and put her to bed an hour early thinking I would have
an early morning today, but, I guess she was really tired after all.
She woke up this morning like a Swiss clock. 6:00 am sharp. She just
needed the extra hour.

All three of us have slight coughs, runny noses, and are generally
tired. The common cold. <Sigh> With the air quality around here, I
don't see how anyone is ever well. See picture from our hotel window:

What are they thinking?

So, two white people walking the streets of Guangzhou with a Chinese,
10-month-old baby has been an interesting experience.

Yesterday, we did some sightseeing: went to a great museum of ancient
artifacts and the tomb remains of the Nan-Yue King from the Western-
Han Dynasty (around 100 b.c.). There were all sorts of international
tour groups there, and so we had our first taste of interactions with
the outside world. Almost everyone smiles at her, but there is always
a strange moment when they look at us and it registers: they are
adopting this child. Obviously.

I don't know what they think. And while I'd love to say, I don't
care. But I do care, for Zi, for what her life will be like. We,
after all, going to live in Georgia. Not the most progressive place.
And, not with a high population of Asian people.

The beautiful irony, says the guidebook, of Shamain Island, is that it
was once occupied by France and England, who did not allow Chinese to
come to the Island. Now that the Chinese control it again, this is
where we (outsiders) come to adopt Chinese children. Is this the new
colonialism? I have to wonder...

So, we have been asking our guides what the attitudes of Chinese
people are toward American adoption of their children. And,
surprisingly, the two guides did not give us the same answers. One
said that it is difficult (and expensive) for Chinese to adopt the
children themselves. In what she said, I gathered that there are many
Chinese people who would like to adopt these children, but cannot.
And, as I (too frankly?) told the guide, that saddens me. The other
guide, though, said that things are getting easier for Chinese
families to adopt. That while the orphanage fee still has to be paid,
the government is allowing/encouraging more families here to adopt.
On the other hand, t is expected that the one-child policy will remain
in effect for the next twenty years.

As far as treatment on the streets, it is mixed (of course). Some
families talk to Zi, smile at her or us, and seem to react as if they
see it every day (which they probably do here in Guangzhou because all
foreign adopters must come here to get their American passports/
citizenships for the children). Others, though, are less friendly.
No one is openly hostile, but we are treated a little less cordially
than we were before we received her.

When we asked the guide what Chinese people thought of Americans,
generally, she said that until recently, they thought that all
traveling Americans must be rich to be able to visit China, but that
idea is changing. She says that it is generally thought that
Americans have more human rights and better health care. We were
quick to say that that those rights and privileges work on a sliding
scale. The richest people have the best health care and the most
rights. Rich people rarely find themselves in prisons (or if they do,
they go to the nicer ones: think Martha Stewart). She seemed
surprised we would say this, but then agreed that this is typical of
all human civilizations.

We are all people. Selfish, greedy, and in love with our children.

Better Days

Another full night of sleep. Ahhhhh

Zi did not have a fever yesterday. Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Feeling less incompetent every day. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!