Perrykat on politics????

Well, I have to say something.

Let me say up front that I'll be voting for a democrat, and no matter which one wins the nomination, I will be happy with him/her.

So, Kennedy endorses Obama and now NOW is mad at him for "abandoning women."

I find that this is disturbing to me in several, but conflicting, ways. Since the early part of the race, I have been leaning toward Clinton. I love the idea of a woman president. I think it is time for a woman president. I like the Clintons. But, despite his youth and inexperience, I do find myself growing to like Obama more and more. And I see that growing in many people around me too.

Here's what's bothering me:
1) Democrats are fighting too much over this. We need to unite.
2) Kennedy can endorse whoever he damn well pleases. NOW (of which I am a card carrying member) needs to throw support toward someone, not tear down someone else.
3) NOW, like me, wants a woman president. But, really, we just need to not have Bush.

BUT BUT BUT BUT
4) In my deepest heart of hearts, I think Jebbo is wrong. Identity politics still matter most of all. And here is the really unsettling thing in the pit of my stomach:

This country, which is still run mostly by white men, really wants a man to be president. I sat at dinner with friends a few weeks ago, and the other woman at the table said this flat out, "we don't need a woman in power; men are meant to lead." I am behind an African-American candidate/president 100%: I think Obama can be a great president. But, deep inside me, in that dark place where I hide, I believe that the bigoted, sexist people of this country (that is not everyone, I know) will elect a black man before a white woman. And the thing that hurts me about this is that I am selfish enough, as a white woman, that it hurts a little.

I mean either candidate is a historical achievement. Both are good choices. But as I look at myself, I find that I side with her, because she is a "her." I don't know what to do with that.

I know that I should step aside, let others go first for once. But my gut rebels. Why are women always last?

ah well. Shit. Then I notice Clinton won Florida with 50%. I am happy? Guilty? WTF? When will this primary be over so I can just support someone?????

And then he said

One of the reasons that people go to church is that good speakers many times become pastors. And I mean really good speakers, here I think of Joel Osteen or the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King.

At a Methodist college, faculty are required to dress in regalia and attend convocations. Today there was a Martin Luther King day convocation. Our speaker was Dr. Albert J.D. Aymer, president of Hood Theological Seminary, Salisbury, North Carolina. His message was, of course, about Dr. King.

He said that Dr. King had four basic beliefs:
1) All people should be treated equally
2) We should eradicate poverty
3) Unbridled capitalism is dangerous
4) War is abominable

He asked us if Dr. King's dreams have been fulfilled.

In his beautiful booming voice, Dr. Aymer asked, "Is the dream fulfilled?"

And if it isn't, what will you do about it?

What will I do about it? What will I do?

Nothing left

Sometimes I wish...

for world peace, or money, or happiness.

Sometimes I wish

for something darker...

to be stripped down, metaphorically, to a place where I really have nothing left to lose. To give away everything, to attach to nothing, to find out what is really necessary for survival.

So, it is really hard for me to feel upset that the stock market is crashing or that the real estate market is tanking. On the other hand, when I hear that a smart, talented artist died in his apartment, alone, I do feel saddened. He was missing something fundamental (even if it was just health). The two stories keep running back to back on CNN, and I wonder what is really necessary for my own survival.

This makes no sense.

I just think I have too much. Janice said, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." And she's right. Attachment is a loss of freedom. But, so much of what I cling to is trivial.

I need to breathe, to eat, to have shelter, to have and give love, to work. The rest is distraction.

Snow Storm

It is really cute to live in the South where the weather people go crazy over a few inches of snow. Of course, we can't drive on the stuff, so you can't blame them.

It is quite beautiful -- especially on a Saturday when no one has to work or do anything that involves driving.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Beauty of beagles

I wouldn't take walks in the neighborhoods without him -- I prefer a spinning class at the gym. But taking walks with the dog has its advantages.

People like dogs -- even mine. Tonight I met a really nice guy, who like me and Phoenix, was listening to and searching for an owl that hooted in the park. Our dogs rubbed noses, sniffed butts, and the man was nice enough to take me over and show me the nest. Then we stood looking in the air long enough that I was able to see the great bird take flight. Owls are really cool.

Then I ran into a colleague that would have never stopped to talk to me except that he thinks Phoenix is all that. So, I was able to have several minutes of good conversation while he petted my dog.

In the moments after I've lost favorite shoes, cleaned up dog piss, and vacuumed all the tiny pieces of paper he's shredded while I took my shower, I am always sure that his being cute is what keeps him alive. Tonight, I realize that it improves my life.

The funniest thing I said today

The first day of class is done. I'm teaching seniors. It is quite fun.

So, at one point I'm listening to one of them censor himself by saying shat instead of shit. In response I asked him, "Who is it that you are covering up your shit for?"

Beyond the problem with my grammar (for whom, Katherine, for whom), I got a kick out of the idea that we are all cats covering up our shit/language.

You probably don't find it as funny as I do.

Oh well.

Lust, Caution

I watched the Ang Lee film Lust, Caution tonight.

Both devastated and elated, I came home and searched the internet for info on the film. In an interview, Ang Lee says,

"Life, in some ways, is a projection of our desire. What we get from it is somewhat of a reflection of the truth. What we see as reality could be only our elusive projection."

I sometimes find the strangest overlaps between my own thoughts and those of others.

The film is long and painful. But, like Lee's other films, it is haunting and beautiful.

One mark of a good film, in my opinion, is me sitting at home trying to figure out what it all meant hours after the fact.

quick update

Have been cramming everything into my last few days of vacation.

Will head back to AL tomorrow.

I promise to write more in a day or two.


Until then...


Try a back bending pose. Back bends (even easy variations of them like Camel) open your heart and lungs. Try it.

courage

Because my own thoughts are all tied up in making syllabi, I'll just pass along another nugget from internet.

http://christinekane.com/blog/66-ways-to-build-your-courage

Turmoil

My therapist says that, to some degree, we choose our lives.

As I look at mine, and my constant turmoil (or at least lack of peace), I have to wonder when I will learn to choose differently.

I find the yoga room to be a sort of microcosm of my life. As the new year began, I was nearly fainting during yoga. I've been attempting to practice in the moment by avoiding holding myself back early in classes. My tendency is to hold back early during each class so that I have energy left at the end. In letting that go, I'm finding that I have potential to really push myself further in each pose. Now, that does mean that I'm wiped out later in the class -- even to the point of nearly fainting. But, what I'm learning is that practicing each pose honestly gives me a clearer picture of what I'm capable of doing, what my limits are, and how I am progressing (or regressing, as the case may be) from day to day.

The other interesting thing I am learning (in the yoga room) is that no matter what the conditions in the room (the teacher, the heat, the students around me), I do choose how my class goes. Relativity comes to mind here. I can't control the things around me. And hard as that may be to swallow, it is a fact. But I do have some control over my reactions to the world and how I see that world: maybe even from what place I look.

This brings me back to turmoil. One thing I have noticed during the past six months is that the way I tell the story of my life (or current situation) seems to change the reaction of the people to which I tell the story. For instance, if I say that C and I are making the choice to live apart for a year or two in hopes of me finding a job somewhere we both want to live, I tend to get unconditional support. But if I say that C broke his promise to move with me, reactions tend to be angry and resentful. Both are true. Some days, I tell myself one story. Other days, the other story. My own reactions are as predictable as my friends and family's reactions.

So, just like a yoga class, I need to learn to tell myself a more peaceful story. I know all of the baggage will not disappear. But, I wonder what my life might look like if I don't hold back too much in hopes of some beautiful ending: of the perfect class (so to speak). It may be that I hold on too tightly. In fact, maybe if I let go a little more, I will find that many of the things that cause me turmoil will go with it.

The question that keeps whispering to me is, "What do I hold on to?" What is important? Marriage? Family? Career? Enlightenment? Wisdom? Contentment? Peace? Turmoil?

Why do I cling to the turmoil? What would a life of contentment look like?


Update: found this quote on a website I enjoy: "Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty." — Socrates

Gapless

I don't know what to think. But here it is.





The dentist just said I'd need time to get used to it. My s's sound funny too.

The gap

It is hard to see here, but look closely at the gap in my teeth.

It will be gone on Monday morning.

That's right boys and girls; I've lived in the Atlanta suburbs long enough that my self esteem is in need of cosmetic work.

Pictures will follow next week.

Iowa

38% of the mostly white (93%) Iowans voted for Obama.

As I listened to him speak tonight, something stirred in me.

It IS time for a change.

Cool.

"Something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it..."
Barack Obama, January 3, 2008